I pinched the bridge of my nose. “And the only option left to me, in the face of my sister’s threats, was to hurt Jemma again. I did not pass your test. I failed. Miserably.”

“When you love someone, sometimes the best option is to set them free. You showed compassion. You returned her soul shard to her, and you protected her from the truth about your half-sister. And yes, I am very well versed in all things Hellen Lucifer. She may prove a … hurdle, to you taking complete control of Hell … but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

I was going to vomit. I pressed a hand to my stomach, frantically searching for somewhere that wasn’t Her pristine carpet to empty my stomach. A basin appeared under my chin, just in time for me to regurgitate a thin trickle of bile.

“You cannot be serious,” I rasped, wiping my chin. “Hurdle? Cross that bridge? If Hellen gets even the slightest inkling of what you and Father have planned for both kingdoms, she will eviscerate us all!” And Jemma. What might Hellen do to Jemma to punish me for this stupid scheme that I didn’t have any choice about in the first place?

God snapped Her fingers. I looked up, distracted from my panic when one of the ugly cherub paintings swung open, and two hideously fat, naked little winged things flitted out, chittering like chimps. I watched in morbid fascination as She gestured to the basin, and they giggled wildly, zooming down to snatch up before soaring back into the tunnel behind their painting, which closed behind them.

“That was creepy!” Bub remarked.

“Indeed,” I muttered.

God threw us a withering glare. “Do you find your father’s ‘imps’ creepy?”

“Yes!” Beezle, Bub and I chorused.

“Good grief,” She muttered, massaging Her temples. “I did not realise how difficult you would be about all of this. I’m offering you two kingdoms, and all you have to do is become the sole being in charge of placing human souls in their eternal homes.”

“I do not wish for this responsibility! I did not ask for any of this!”

Her face was stern, Her voice firm. “But you will take it on because you know it to be the right thing to do. And if you don’t, it’s only a matter of time before your demons rise up and overthrow you, and then they will set their sights on all the delicious misery they can harvest up in the Human Realm. All that tasty … strawberry-scented misery. Ooh, maybe she tastes like those cinnamon donuts she loves so much!”

“You are threatening me,” I snarled.

She grinned, rapacious and unapologetic. “Is it working? I know you’re so very protective of the small human. I need you to find more of that, and apply it to all of humanity.”