So at around 4 p.m. I packed up and left for the Hermione Gallery of Modern Performance Art. (It is the nearest free gallery to the Lederman building.) It is located in the ground floor of an ugly concrete building and when I arrived it was practically empty. There was one security guard outside. And nobody else.

And then I realized that except for one room everything else was empty. There wasn’t one painting on the wall anywhere. And in the main hall there was nobody except one woman standing in the centre. She was perfectly still with her back to me. Without moving at all. Not one movement Diary. At first I was relieved. I thought I was looking at some modern art statue. But then I realized that the person was real.

I walked up to her slowly. And then began to walk around her to look at her face. (She looked hot from behind. But you have to always check from the front to be sure.)

AND THEN BLOODY STIPUD WOMAN STARTED SCREAMING AND RUNNING AFTER ME.

I am not joking Diary.

I did not even get time to see if she was hot. She screamed like a tribal cannibal type and ran towards me. I turned around and ran like mad to the door. WHICH WAS CLOSED. And then for three or four minutes I kept running around the room and she kept chasing me. And throughout she kept screaming.

At one point I turned around and threw my bag at her. I missed.

And then suddenly she stopped. And then the door opened and a man walked in. The crazy bitch was laughing and gasping for air at the same time while the man told me to calm down. He gave me my bag and explained that this was a performance art piece called Fear Homo Sapien Number 1. The entire chase in the room had been videotaped via hidden cameras. And would be displayed to the public later.

Then she came and told me that she was trying to help ordinary people explore their perspectives on fear and danger. Each day she would scare people in some way and videotape. She asked me what I thought of it. I was going to slap her in the face with my Leather Bag Homo Sapien Cheek Number 2 when the man gave me a hundred pound note for my participation.

I told her that it was a surprising yet sublime evocation of the human spirit when faced with crisis and made me come to terms with my mortality in a sudden, intense yet raw experience. And then I went home.