And yes, maybe some puny journalist will dare to question my talent. But I’ll just say: “FUCK YOU! You’re just a poor writer who lives in a tiny rental apartment who has to take the subway to work. I’m a big famous rich guy. I’ll be around long after you’re gone. Millions of people love me and no one gives a shit about you.”

Even if I died tomorrow, it would make headlines. Because when the gods suffer, the world is mesmerized. Doesn’t make any difference who they are: an ex-football-star crack-head wife-slaughterer; some reclusive high-pitched animal-loving child molester; a promiscuous “Adult Child of an Alcoholic” leader of the free world!

They’re famous, they’re in pain, we’re sad.

Some little baby girl in a crib starves to death in the ghetto—no one cares. Why should they? She’s a nobody. It’s hard to work up an emotion over a “nobody.”

(Drops into a chair, a guy at home watching TV, holding remote control, slightly animated:)

Hey, honey, look at this! Some little girl starved to death in her crib in the South Bronx! Terrible. How do those things happen? (Pause, his face drops, ripples with emotion) Oh, look, oh NO! Did you hear about this? (Almost in tears, listening to the bad news) Kelsey Grammer has a urinary tract infection! Oh shit! Wow. Oh, wait a minute … Shhhhh!!! (Listens) It’s OK, they’re having a benefit! They’re going to raise money to buy him a gold-plated catheter. Where’s my checkbook? We gotta go to this thing. I don’t want to miss it. I’ve always loved him.

(Stands, returns to normal voice, looks the audience straight in the eyes, god-like:)

Someday they’ll say that about me!

IN THE AIR

Seated, addresses the audience.

I’m in the air now, moving from one place to the next. Everything is taken care of. I’m strapped in and I have a purpose in life—arrive at LAX.

Things are good. My seat is comfy. I have a little white pillow and a little blue blanket. My John Grisham novel is compelling. And after dinner they’ll be showing a movie, something with Tom Hanks in it. I like Tom Hanks because he’s happy. I’m happy that he’s happy.

They even give us dinner. Not the kind of stuff I normally eat, but they serve it so I eat it. An amazingly white roll with butter, a salad and a salad dressing in a little plastic pouch, made with guar gum. And for the main course I had, it was good, I think it was either turkey or fish. And for dessert a little white rectangle with a red dot in the middle.