Honey, listen, I promise when I get back, we’ll take the frequent flyer miles and we’ll go somewhere really nice. Someplace expensive. With a spa. Yes. With massages, yes. Facials. I don’t know if they’ll have liposuction, I don’t have the brochure with me. Listen, honey, let me get on the plane, I’ll call you from the plane. (Starts to move toward the gate) Listen … Sonia, the next time you feel bad about us always being apart, just imagine this: you and me, together all the time, working a doubleshift at a McDonald’s … I gotta go. OK, alright, OK, alright, I love you too.

UPGRADE

Perky and patronizing:

Here you go, sir, you’re all set. You have a seat on this flight, it’s leaving in ten minutes so you better hurry up! Yes, sir, that’s right, it’s a coach seat. Yes, I know you had a fully-paid-for-first-class ticket, sir, but this seat is coach. Well, let me see what I can do, OK? (Types into keyboard) Alright, I’m looking at a first-class seat on a 3:30 A.M. departure with a six-hour layover in Saint Louis. How’s that sound?

Yes, 3:30 in the morning, sir, that’s correct. I understand that, sir. Yes, I can see that you have a gold card. All the people behind you have gold cards, sir. Well, sir, sir, sir, why don’t we do this: step aside for a sec here, let me get everyone on board, get them seated, let the flight leave and then we can see what we can do, OK? (Signals to next person) Next in line?

I’m not trying to get rid of you, sir. Our gold card passengers are our first priority. Would you like a voucher for a complimentary cup of Starbucks coffee while you wait? Sir! Sir! Sir! There’s no reason to use that language. May I remind you, sir, that we are being videotaped as we speak and this videotape is admissible as evidence in any court proceedings that may arise from our conversation on this date.

Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. Yes, you may file a complaint. Just get in touch with our operations manager. He’s not in right now, but if you’d like to drop by tomorrow morning around seven A.M., I’m sure he’d love to see you.

You can’t, sir, no. No, you can’t sue us, sir. Well if you read the notice on the back of your ticket you will see that it says that when you fly with us you agree to abide by all the rules and regulations of this airline and any disagreements you have with the rules and regulations of this airline are subject to arbitration by an independent arbitrator. OK?

You can win, sir. You can win. You just can’t win today. Have a nice flight! Next!

HARMONIOUS