Now you’re probably asking yourself, What does that mean to me? Well, it means we’re going to have to try a little landing here this afternoon. And as I just said, we are currently thirty thousand feet over the Colorado Rockies. Beautiful time of year. If you look out the right side of the cabin you can see the aspens just turning golden there on the mountainsides. Those of you who are skiers are probably familiar with Vail or Beaver Creek. Me and the wife have a little timeshare down around Eagle. We go down there for about three weeks every winter. Not that I’m much of a skier myself, I prefer those bass-fishing shows on cable TV. But I digress. We’re going to be attempting a forty-five degree descent this afternoon. So please check that your seatbelts are fastened securely about your middle with your tray tables in their upright and locked position, and no moving about the cabin, please, as we make our descent. Now when we land, or I should say “scrape” into a landing, it’s gonna feel kinda bumpy, kinda like we’re crashing, but let me assure all of you on-board today that in the rare event we actually do crash, you … you won’t feel a thing. You’ll be knocked unconscious instantly, they’ll be lucky if they can find our teeth when this is all over. So I’m gonna sign off now, try and concentrate on what I’m doing, instead of sounding like a damn jackass with one foot in the grave, let you get back to that movie you’re watching. What is it, Billy? Forrest Gump? Love that flick: “You never know what you’re going to get”! (Puts his hand over the mike) Billy, is the black box turned on? Give it a good thump with your fist. Thanks, bro. (Full voice) And let me remind all of you on-board this afternoon, we at United know you have a choice of airlines when you fly and we appreciate your patronage. Have a nice day.

THE CRASH

Jumps in front of the mike, addresses the audience breathlessly while miming prayer:

And everyone on the plane has suddenly become deeply religious, praying silently, each and every one of them to his or her own secret, benevolent and all-powerful god that he doesn’t let the giant tin monster go swimming into some whacky air current and drag them sideways into the mountainside like one gigantic scraping aluminum fireball millions of other middle-class Americans can watch on the evening news.

(Switches gears, surfer voice, another guy watching TV, holding a remote control:)