I’ll make any sacrifice, do what it takes. You want me to play a serial killer who chops little children up and eats them for lunch? No problem-o. I’m an actor. Get humiliated by Tom Cruise? Where’s the script? He wants to kick the piss out of me too? All the better, that’s what I’m here for. (Mimes getting ass kicked across the stage) Oh, Tom, you’re so intense! (Crashes into the proscenium, revives, brushes himself off) The location’s six months in the deserts of Tierra del Fuego? Where’s my plane ticket? Sure I have a wife, I have kids. I might not see them again for another five, ten, fifteen years. But when I’m rich and famous, they’ll be happy I was gone all that time because they’ll be rich and famous, too.

And sure, maybe I’ll have to step on a few people as I make my way to the top. But every head I step on will be just another rung in the ladder of fame and fortune. Because I’m honest with myself. Let’s face it, we’re all on a ladder, from the lowliest beggar in Calcutta all the way up to Steven Spielberg, we all have our place. And it takes guts, it takes willpower and vision to reach up to that next rung and drag myself up. And sure when I get to the top, maybe all my friends will hate me but by then I’ll have new friends. Better friends. Everyone will be my friend!

People will line up just to hang out with me, even my parents! They’ll be like Mary and Joseph standing by the manger when all the kings came by. Puffed-up with pride like blowfish. And I’ll be like baby Jesus, a godlet, on the straw for all to admire!

And when my new friends come by to visit, we’ll be happy. We’ll be happy together because now we can do what we’ve always wanted to do: just hang-out all day and think and talk about ME! Interviews with me! Photo calls with me! Me! Me! Me!

And when I get tired of my new friends, I’ll say good night, climb into my king-sized four-poster bed, snuggle under the covers and pull out the remote control, and as my eyes slowly close, there I am again. On E! I’m on E! I’m on Charlie Rose. I’m on Conan! I’m on Leno! I’m a VH-1 veejay! I’m EVERYWHERE!

I’m ubiquitous! (Becomes transformed, rising to his full height, arms out, emanating power) God-like, like the sun, my rays shining down on every surface of the earth! My tentacles entwined around every mind, every imagination! (Reprise of audience member on knees in awe) “What is it like to be him?” (Triumphant) That’s what they’ll all want to know!