Hey man, listen, it’s not the end of the world. Linda isn’t the only woman in existence. Hey, I got an idea, my cousin Sharon is coming … uh …

(Changes inflection:)

Hey, I got an idea, my cousin Sharon is coming to town next week and why don’t we all go out? Do something. (Pause) Of course she’s good looking! Hey, man, would I lie about this to my own best buddy?

And listen, could I please also do page thirty-five? I worked pretty hard on it last night with my coach. Only take a sec …

Hey, man, listen, it’s not the end of the world. I know, I know, I’d be pissed off, too … but how could I know she was a lesbian? (Chuckles)

What a great script. You know why this script is so great? It’s intelligent.

So do you want me to try it a little more intense? A little funnier? It was perfect? Oh thanks, coming from you that means a lot to me.

So. OK! Uh, that’s my new head shot. My new number is on the bottom. Or if you need to reach me this afternoon, I can give you my beeper number? You don’t? Oh, OK. Well, I want to say thanks for, you know, asking me to come in. And I didn’t want to say this before, but … uh, you’re pretty much my favorite director. I see all your movies and I think you’re a genius and really admire your work. (Looks over at the “casting agent”) OK … I know, I’ve got to get going, too, we’re all busy, OK … thanks … (Again to the “director”) Thank you. But before I go, could I ask you a question? I’ve been writing this screenplay and I was wondering if I wanted to get it to you, how would I do that? (Again in response to the “casting agent”) OK, OK, heh, heh. Alright, I’ll just drop it by the casting office. Yeah, I should go … but thank you again for having me … Right, I’ll let you guys … I’m pretty busy, too … but thank you, thank you for having me … OK … ’Bye! (Runs off)

THE LADDER

Returns, calmly addresses the audience:

As embarrassing as all this looks, this is what’s called “auditioning.” In fact, that was a verbatim transcript of an audition I was on just last month. Actually, I’m exaggerating, I was much more obsequious.

It’s important that I audition because it reminds me of why I became an actor in the first place. For the pain.

Because pain is important. Someday, when I’m riding around in my stretch limousine gazing out the tinted windows at all the losers out there living their humdrum existence, that pain will come in handy. I’ll be able to say to myself: “I deserve this. I earned this. I PAID MY DUES, MAN.”