Question: How long do you wait before you push the button? Or let’s bring it right here, right now. There’s a button in front of each one of you. You push the button and I go up in a big ball of flame. And I die, writhing in agony, right before your eyes.

Question: Do you push the button, or do you just wait for the person sitting next to you to push the button?

(Youthful voice:)

Yeah we went to this show, man, and it was kind of interesting. There was this guy on stage talking about something, I’m not sure what, and then he just went whoosh and went up in a ball of fire! Turned all black and wrinkled-up and crusty like a piece of chicken you leave on the barbecue for too long. It was awesome! (Catches himself) I mean it was disturbing too, you know. It really made me think.

(Switches back to normal voice:)

C’mon, admit it. Wouldn’t you love it if I just dropped dead up here right now? Wouldn’t that be a unique experience? Right? You don’t really know me, why should you care? You could dine out on that one for the next six months: “I was there, man.” You could email your best friend: “Went to this show, guy died on stage. It was … it was disturbing. Really made me think.”

If you think there’s any level of compassion or empathy or civilization whatsoever being shared out there by anybody, I got news for you, there is none. Wake up and smell the coffee, it’s anarchy. It’s chaos barely being held together by pious hypocrisy and gross sentimentality.

The blind leading the blind. No, that’s not right, it’s the retarded leading the blind. (Forrest Gump voice) “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.” Great moments in Western civilization! I have to write that one down. Never thought of things that way before: “You never know what you’re going to get”! Deep! A hero for our times. (Sling Blade voice) “SOME CALL IT A SLING BLADE.” Great retard, Billy Bob. Will somebody please give that man an Oscar? “Some call it a sling blade.” (Dustin Hoffman Rain Man voice and posture) “Eighty-two, eighty-two, eighty-two. Two hundred and forty-six, two hundred and forty-six toothpicks in the box, Raymond.”

(Drops to his knees, pleading to the audience:)

WE’RE DOWN HERE LOOKING UP AT THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED. WHERE DOES THAT PUT US???? RIGHT IN THE ESPRESSO BAR WITH A TATTOO AND A CELL PHONE, THAT’S WHERE!

(Jumps back into Forrest Gump:)

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to …” I KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO GET, I KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO GET: I’M GONNA GET FUCKED. THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO GET!

VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS