A dark day dawns on this American city this morning. A city in mourning … this morning. What forces seek to disrupt our cherished American beliefs of love, peace and justice? A tragedy. Children were killed. Why? Who knows? Some lunatic got “pissed off.” A veteran? Perhaps, let’s not think about that too much, it hurts to think. Let’s think instead of our president’s words just this morning:

(Switches to Bill Clinton voice, almost cheerful, eyes twinkling:)

This is a terrible thing. We are so sad today. We will find the motherfucker who did this and we will kill him as slowly and painfully as possible.

(Anchorman voice:)

Today, as we feel this tragedy, let’s feel all the tragedies. Let’s think about crack babies and homeless people and starving Africans. And let’s cry. Let’s all have a good cry. For them and even more so, for ourselves. Because we feel their pain, because we know their pain, because we want their pain to go away so we don’t have to hear about it anymore. Thank you, good night. And remember that tonight’s Okla homa City bombing coverage will preempt the previously scheduled documentary: “Hiroshima: The Little Nips Got What They Deserved,” or “Hiroshima: If They’re Not White, It’s Not Terrorism,” or “Hiroshima: Thirty Thousand Is Not Really That Many People When You Consider the Alternative,” or … And now a word from our sponsor:

THE OFFER

Easygoing, sipping from a mug of coffee.

Do you feel like life is passing you by? Do you get up in the morning and ask yourself, “What’s it all about anyway?” And what’s your answer? Prozac? Viagra? Suicide? Hi, I’m Satan and I’m here to tell you there’s a much better solution.

What do you want out of life? Money, power, sex? How about guns? Drugs? Fireworks? You can have it all. But why stop there? People come in and say, “I want to have sex with my secretary.” Come on! Use your imagination! How about sex with your grandmother? Sex with your neighbor’s dog? Sex with your own kids? The sky’s the limit. What have you got to lose? Your soul? Hell, when was the last time you even knew you had one?

Time to stop denying yourself. Time to start doing all those things you always wanted to do! And I’m not just talking about smoking crack and chowing down on Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I’ve got clients out there today, doing really creative things like firebombing helpless villages, stockpiling anthrax, rigging election ballots. Why should the big boys have all the fun?