Finally, this book is dedicated to Amanda Burroughs Moran my co-worker and bud for the past seven years. Couldn’t have done it without you.

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee opened May 4, 2000 at the Jane Street Theatre in New York City. It was directed by Jo Bonney and produced by Frederick Zollo, Nicholas Paleologus, Robert Birmingham and Peter Askin.

WAKE UP
AND SMELL
THE COFFEE

THE PROMISE

Garrulous, shouting into a mike directly at the audience, menacing:

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. THERE ARE THOSE THAT RULE AND THERE ARE THOSE THAT ARE RULED. THE FUCKERS AND THE FUCKEES. THE MASTERS AND THE SLAVES. THAT’S THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS. THE WINNERS, THE LOSERS, THE KILLERS AND THE DEAD. AND I AM THE TOP DOG. AND DOG SPELT BACKWARDS IS GOD.

THOSE WHO WANT TO FUCK WITH ME, I GOT ONE WORD FOR YOU: PAIN. YOU DON’T LIKE PAIN, DON’T GET IN THE RING WITH ME. ’CAUSE I’LL BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY. JUST TROT DOWN TO THE LOCKER ROOM AND HAVE A TEARFUL LITTLE SHOWER. IF YOU DO LIKE PAIN, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME … ’CAUSE I’M THE DOG ON TOP!

(Slams down the mike stand. Pause. Then gently into the mike:)

THANK YOU.

INTRO

Lights up. He slips on a black sports jacket and walks toward the audience.

Thank you, thank you. Thanks so much for coming by. I really appreciate it.

Tonight we’re going on a journey. This theatre is our ship and I’m your captain. Hopefully, you’re going to see things from a slightly different perspective, gain a little insight, renew your empathy.

And we’re going to have some fun too. I’m gonna give you that Lenny-Bruce-esque experience that transforms tragedy into comedy. That turns it all upside-down and cuts through the bullshit and the hypocrisy.

Because that’s what theatre is all about, isn’t it? Insight into human nature. And with that insight comes understanding; with understanding—action; and from action, change and a better world.

Sure, I’m just one guy up here. And let’s face it, you’re pretty much a room full of strangers. But tonight, tonight we become as one. Tonight we’re not just separate individuals, islands, lonely and adrift. Tonight we are like snow flakes in a storm, swirling together, each one of us unique, but also part of something much larger, each one of us a frozen droplet of potential.

As we swirl together tonight, who knows where we might end up? We are limited only by our imagination! Perhaps as a snowdrift high upon a mountain peak! Perhaps the highest mountain—Mount Everest! Why not?

We fall gently, one upon the other, one flake upon his fellow flake, immobile, caught in the frozen silence of the Himalayas.