Not only are we looking for crime since there’s no crime here, we don’t want anyone unusual in the area either. Our guys see somebody walking around who doesn’t belong here, they stop ’em, they question ’em and they escort them off the premises.

This is not a racial thing, we have many black families (not that many). And some Asian families. Very nice, you’d be surprised. (Well actually just one.)

We have our own recycling center, we don’t want anybody picking up cans, going door to door or asking for anything. We don’t allow solicitation of any kind. Stop ’em right at the gate. We do our own fundraising every Christmas. Linda, where’d we send the money last year? Oh right, the displaced Costa Rican coffee farmers. Great cause. Because we don’t just see this as a bunch of buildings, we see this as a living opportunity.

Which brings me to my favorite thing, the civic association. Now if you own a home here you are automatically a member of the civic association. But if you pay a small dues every year, I dunno, it’s something like twenty bucks, they just add it to your maintenance, then you can be a certified member. And I would recommend that. You get a newsletter, we have our annual meetings, rallies, those kinds of things. The ones at night with the bonfires are a lot of fun. And you get to put a little plaque by your front door so that all your neighbors know you’re a certified member in good standing: you know, you’ve paid your maintenance, you’re employed, no fish over four inches. You even get a pin, see? Nice huh? In fact, we require that you wear it. Jimmy, how would you like to have a pin? It’ll match the uniform all the little guys get to wear. Arm bands and everything!

You know, you’re gonna love it here, Jimmy. On Halloween, we all go door to door and everybody gives nice treats—no fishhooks in the apples, no rat poison. On Christmas, Santa comes to visit and we all go Christmas caroling. We’re thankful because everything here is the way it’s supposed to be. So whaddya say, Chip? Cathi? Jimmy? Let’s go see that model home.

PAIN RELIEVER