Rushes to a chair and faces upstage as if watching the performance. Whiny, older theatre-goer voice:

What’s this show about anyway? What is this? What are you talking about up there? What happened to the journey down the river? I was looking forward to that part. You came out, you were saying life was beautiful and how theatre was about insight and communication and I thought, It won’t be Vagina Monologues, but I’ll be moved. I want to be moved! I want catharsis when I go to the theatre!

Instead you come out and you’re swearing and negative. Very negative. I spent the whole afternoon at the yoga center getting rid of all my stress. I come by here to see a nice piece of theatre and now my neck hurts … just by listening to you for five minutes. What are you saying, we should all kill ourselves? Is that what you’re saying? And let me ask you something, what’s the deal with your hair? Is that your real hair? Or do you have that done?

You know what your problem is? You’re too negative. You know why you’re so negative? You’re full of fear. My therapist told me that, cost me a hundred and fifty bucks. I’ll give it to you gratis. You’re full of fear. Because you have no spirituality. You don’t believe in anything. You need to have more faith!

FAITH

Leaps out of chair; addresses the “theatregoer” in the chair:

“FAITH”? You mean “faith” like faith in my government?

(Swivels and mimes firing two handguns at an invisible assailant.)

WATCH OUT! HE’S GOT A GUN! (Mimes shooting) BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! (Trots forward) I THINK HE’S GOT A GUN! (Mimes shooting) BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! (Stands over the “fallen target”) I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S GOT A GUN! (Mimes shooting at prone figure) BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! (Stands over the “body,” kicks something out of the way. Looks up, distracted) Never mind!

(Addresses “theatregoer” in chair again:)

Or maybe you mean faith in the goodness of mankind? I’ll have to take a trip over to Chechnya or Bosnia or Rwanda and refresh my memory of how wonderful people can be to their fellow man. I’ll pick up a femur, keep it on my mantel-piece to remind myself of human nature.

No, you don’t mean any of that do you? You must mean faith in God! Right? Is that what you mean? Faith in a “higher power” as we say these days.

(Turns away from chair and addresses the audience:)