… So, what happens? The old man in the sky, Daddy, took little Jesus, His son, nailed his skinny butt to a piece of wood in the middle of the desert so a bunch of jerk-offs could check him out like some kind of rotisserie chicken at the Safeway.

Now the only reason I bring all this up, and this is kind of the long way around to make a point, but dig, this is what God does to His own kid. You really think He’s going to get all stretched out of shape worrying about your anonymous ass? I doubt it. I doubt it sincerely.

You want me to have faith? I have faith. I have faith that shit happens. Really, really bad …

ARABS

Face changes expression as if witnessing some horrible event on the horizon over the audience’s heads. Redneck voice:

OH MY GOD, NO! THEY JUST BLEW THAT BUILDING UP IN OKLAHOMA CITY! THAT’S THE WORST THING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE KILLED! LITTLE CHILDREN! WHO COULD A DONE SOMETHIN’ LIKE THAT? (Realizing) MUST A BEEN ONE OF THOSE ARAB TERRORISTS! SURE IT WAS! ONE OF THOSE A-RABS. LOTS OF A-RABS OUT HERE IN OKLAHOMA CITY! YEAH IT WAS ONE OF THEM ARABS ALL RIGHT. ONE OF THEM BUSHY-HAIRED, BEADY-EYED, BIG-NOSED, BLACK-BEARDED, TOWEL-HEADED, OILY-SKINNED, SMELLY, GOAT-FUCKING, MOHAMMED-LOVING A-ASIN-ASSHOLE-ARABS. (Gest iculating, miming) WHY WHEN WE GET A HOLD THAT SAND NIGGER, WE’RE GONNA SHOVE A POSEIDON MISSLE RIGHT UP HIS CRACK, TEACH HIM YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE U.S. of A!!!!

(Cocks his head) Wait! What’s that? Not an Arab? Blond hair? Blue eyes? Loves Kenny G? Shit, well, he must be misguided then. We have to learn to understand and forgive. But you’re right, right! He killed all those little kids, and many of whom were white. We’re gonna have ta lynch him! Come ’ere you Timothy McVeigh! Quick where’s a rope? Where’s a tree? Where are the TV cameras? This is Amer ica—can’t do this without a TV camera. Where’s an anchorman, where’s that Bernard Shaw guy?

(Bursts into operatic voice à la My Fair Lady:)

The rain in Spain

Falls mainly on the plain …

La-la-la-la-la!!!

(Switches back to redneck voice:)

NO, NOT THAT ONE, YOU DICK! THE CNN ONE! WHERE IS HE? IN KOSOVO? WHERE THE HELL IS KOSOVO? WELL, WE NEED AN ANCHORMAN! YOU, YOU’RE AN ANCHORMAN, GET UP THERE, LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! (Counts down with his fingers, facing the upstage mike on its stand) FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE! YOU’RE ON!

(Runs over and gets behind the mike, switches to anchorman voice, speaking calmly and directly to the audience:)