But it’s OK. You know, one thing I’ve learned here is that in every couple, there’s two people. The lunatic and the sane one. And we know which one I am. I know when I’m not wanted, so I split.

So finally I get home. Fortunately Terry is there for me. Thank god for Terry, my only friend. She knows how to be there for me. She never takes my inventory, never judges me. Never yells at me. I mean, she barks at me every now and then when she wants to go out for a walk. But that’s the thing about dogs. They’re there for you. They’re centered. I mean, Terry’s got her shit figured out. I look into her eyes and she’s so centered … “spiritual.” Unqualified love. That’s the only word for it.

Sometimes I think that’s the only time I’m really at peace is when I’m sitting there with her watching TV. By the way, she loves all the same shows I do. It’s like, “Why can’t things always be like this?” You know? But I know why. Because the world is full of assholes, that’s why.

And then Oprah comes on TV. She’s got this guy, this doctor, and he says … right, shit! (Checks watch) OK, well, next Wednesday sounds good. Sure. And don’t let me forget, I still owe you that seventy-five bucks from last month. You know, I really feel great coming here. I’m a completely different person now. I feel a breakthrough coming, don’t you?

THE AUDITION

Walks over to “two people” and mimes shaking hands. His first handshake is warm and friendly, the second is respectful, slightly awed.

Oh, hey, how you doin’? You look great. Oh … Hi, hi, sir, it’s an honor to meet you. Yeah.

(Steps back) Uh, just got back from L.A., actually. Pilot season, you know. (Pause) What was the last thing you would have seen me in? Uh, did you see The Matrix? I was in that, yeah. Did you see it? You know when Keanu was pushing through all those crowds of people on the sidewalk? I was one of those people on the sidewalk. Oh yeah, working with Keanu was great.

(Pulls pages of a script out of his back pocket.)

Yeah, she did … She said I should read pages twenty-five through thirty-five? Just twenty-five, OK. And my agent said it should be “intense but funny.” (Listens) “Funny but intense.” Right.

OK. (Turns to an invisible video camera, starts to read from the script:)

Hey, man, listen, it’s not the end of the world. Linda isn’t …

Wait, I’m sorry. Could I start again? I’m a little nervous.

(Settles, exhales, turns around, faces upstage, shakes hands out, returns:)