Now the stewardess comes by. She wants to know if I’m OK, would I like anything to drink? Normally, no one cares what I want, so this is very stimulating. Perhaps she really does want to know. She’s smiling at me. She’s very pretty. Maybe she likes me. Maybe she’s flirting with me? I know what this is about. I know how to do this.

(Transforms from mild-mannered speaker to self-assured passenger, addressing the stewardess, acting as if he could care less:)

I’ll have a Diet Coke, no ice. And I’ll keep the can. Thanks. (Takes can, checks his watch) Say do you know if the flight is on time? Cool. Wow. You must fly this flight all the time, huh? Just back and forth. What is that accent? Ohio? Really, where? Columbus? Yeah, that’s a great town. Little movie theatre downtown. So I’m curious, you fly into L.A…. (Takes his drink) Oh, thanks … And then just turn around and dead-head it back to New York? Oh, you stay overnight in Los Angeles? That sounds like fun. It isn’t? It sucks? Yeah, I heard that airport hotel is pretty bad. (Answering) Four Seasons, it’s very comfortable. (Getting more and more casual) You know it’s funny that you should say you find L.A. boring. Do you know who Ricky Martin is? Well, his business manager’s brother-in-law is good friends with my brother-in-law and he’s got this sold-out concert tonight at the Hollywood Bowl … oh, so you know about it, yeah, well anyway, they laid like two free tickets on me, front row center, and I don’t really know anybody in L.A. to take. You know what? I’ve never done anything like this before, forget it. (Mock surprise) You would? Well, you’d really be doing me a favor. Yeah, yeah, well check, make your call. You know where to find me. OK. ’Bye. (Breathy) See you in a while.

(Aside to the audience:)

I can see she’s thinking about the free tickets to the Ricky Martin concert. If only she knew what I was thinking. I’ve been checking out her butt every time she turned around for the last hour and a half. Nice butt. Nice tight Columbus, Ohio, butt.