I was on a mission. Find something longer than it was wide. Door handle, no good. Bicycle pump, too painful. Small vase, too wide. And then I remembered: old faithful … vegetation. I mean you really have to wonder why God made all these vegetables in the form they take. And indeed, I was in luck, a bag of organic carrots was nestled behind a six-pack of soy milk on the bottom of the fridge. I selected a nice thick one and I was all set. A little Vaseline daubed on for comfort and—uhhhhhh!—rock ’n’ roll!

Now I was in fine shape, looking good! Rubber bands strangling my dick, clothes pins on my nipples, a freshly shaved head and a carrot up my ass. Time to get busy. A little Oil of Olay on the old helmet, buff, buff, buff, bring it up to speed. Oh yeah. Feeling fresh. Get out that hash pipe packed with Maui bud. Um-hmmm, here we go. Like a mallet beating a xylophone, that THC strokes up the cocaine percolating through my bloodstream. I’d try another hit right now, but shooting up with a carrot in your ass can be dangerous. Sit down too fast you could rupture something. So I take a sip of a Starbucks triple espresso. Gone cold, but I’m beyond temperature. Time to fly! Polish, polish, polish … oh yeah … memories coming up, dimly, faster, stronger: playing doctor behind the shed; getting pissed on for the first time … and now … oh yeah, where am I? Living room, get into the bathroom, quick! Oh yeah, oh yeah, there it is, the noose, my lover, over the door. The noose, the noose. Just get my smooth head in there. Quick, the train’s coming into the station!!! Oh yeah, and nudge that carrot. Uh-huh. Here we go, coming, gonna come, get it tight around the neck, now DROP …

GATED

Happy guy bent down, talking to a child.

What’s your name? Jimmy? Hi, Jimmy. I’m Bill. And how old are you? Seven!! That’s pretty big! Are you all excited about looking for a new house with Mommy and Daddy? You’re not? Why? Who’s Jeremy? Is Jeremy your best friend? He is? Well, when you move here you’re going to make lots of new friends. Better friends. See that lady over there? Her name is Sandy and she’s going to give you one of our special lollipops.

(Standing up straight.)