Oh wow, Heather, you should see this! No, it’s not the new Limp Bizkit video, it’s CNN, I turned it on by mistake. Whoa! A plane crashed in Colorado and they’re showing it live. Wow! (Pause) 767! Rammed right into the health club at the Hyatt in Beaver Creek. Wow. Bodies all over the snow! Imagine what that must be like to be in that plane just before you hit. Like you know you’re going to be completely flattened in about thirty seconds. Like you won’t exist anymore. Every thought you ever had will disappear. All those phone numbers!

Or imagine you’re in the health club working on your pecs, looking out the plate-glass window checking out the mountains and (Sees the plane coming right at him) … and you’re like, “Oh shit,” but you don’t even have time to say, “shit,” (Mimes being blown backward) and then you’re covered with aviation fuel and you’re jumping around frying alive in the snow … oh, Heather, that reminds me did you order the crispy duck from Hunan Palace yet? I want my sauce on the side!

(Reverts to normal voice, speaks directly to audience:)

But of course, if that actually happened … But then I’ll be immortal. Which is what I’ve always wanted. I’ll be up there with the gods. Nothing like a plane crash to confer immortality. Way better than a drug overdose. And you’d be happy because you would have seen one of my last performances. It would be historic. Historic and ironic. (Audience member) “Yeah, it was incredible: he kept talking about plane crashes and then he was in a plane crash!” (Pause) “Really makes you think!”

But then I’ll be dead, which would be bad for me. No fun at all. (Inspiration strikes) I know, I’ll survive. I’ll be a survivor and I’ll sell my story! Everyone will want to take a meeting with me. I will finally have arrived in L.A. (Snaps fingers)

THE MEETING

With great effort, he drags the chair to center stage. His nasal voice is aging but energetic: