So I’m in the ER, and they’re cutting my pants off and I’m still stoned so I’m trying to tell ’em to gimme my wallet but no one’s listening to me, they’re just like dressing me up in these blue pants I got on now and they’re saying shit like, “Why did you break your leg? Why did you break your leg? Don’t you know you’re HIV-positive and you could’ve gotten a life-threatening infection?” Like I do it all the time. Like it’s my fuckin’ hobby.

And this doctor comes in, right outta a med school. Clean, you know the type, young, serious. Probably got an A average in dissection class. Plays a mean game a racquetball. Probably does seven hundred pushups every morning and smokes cigars while he’s doin’ ’em. And he looks at my chart and says, “Why did you break your leg, you’re HIV-positive? You could get an infection and die.” And I get a little animated you know. And then he says, “Calm down, I know how you feel.”

I said, “Hey. You don’t know how I feel.” And he says, “Yes I do.” Like he does. And I lose it. I start yelling and I try to get off the gurney, and somebody pushes me back down and I push them away and I threw this roll of bandages and this bed pan and uh … well they got these bouncers at St. Vincent’s now.

And they threw me out on the street, they wouldn’t let me back in. And I’m standing there out in the snow, blue-green hospital pants, this walking cast thing. I don’t have my wallet, I don’t have anything, I’m just standin’ there and this little old lady, saw me standing there and she lays a fiver on me. Says, “God bless you.”

So I comes home. And all the food was cold and coagulated. So I gave it to Snowball, who’s thinking, This is my lucky day. And I’m thinking, When’s mine?

From 31 EJACULATIONS
No. 19

So I’m walking around the apartment nude, my erection waving in front of me like a divining rod. It was sure to stay rock hard for a while since I had about fourteen rubber bands wrapped tightly around its base. I could see the shaft was turning purple. Only problem was, now I needed something to shove up my a-hole. And finding the right item was mildly embarrassing since I had to search all over the bungalow and I don’t keep any curtains on my windows. I know the woman across the way sits in the darkness and watches me. She works for an executive at a movie studio down in Culver City, so keeping an eye on me is probably the most fun she has all day. I should send her a bill.