People will watch me on TV. I’ll go on talk shows and everyone will be riveted as I go on and on about my dog’s constipation. People want to know that stuff. I’ll complain about how the power window in my stretch limo got stuck on the way to the show. (Voice of guest on talk show) “I just kept pushing the button and nothing happened, Dave! Just pushed the button, pushed the button.” (Normal voice) The audience hanging on every word. (Audience member in wide-eyed wonderment) “You pushed the button, yes, and then????”

(Normal voice) And Dave, good ol’ Dave will clap and grin like an organ grinder’s monkey, like I’m the smartest, funniest fuck he’s ever met. And the audience will stand and cheer as I chatter on and on, because the tiniest moment in my life will be bigger than the biggest event in theirs.

See—there’s another world and it’s just like ours, but it’s much much better. It floats above us. Call it heaven, call it Valhalla, call it Mount Olympus! Whatever you call it, the gods are there. I’m down here on earth, but I can see them up there. I can see the gods. They’re having such a great time, And I want to be up there, too. Where every seat is first class. Where every room is a deluxe suite. Where the love of millions shines like a sun that never sets!

(Turns then looks back to the audience.)

Can you see them up there? Can you see the gods? Look at them. Aren’t they beautiful? They’re playing volley ball. There’s Gwyneth passing off to Drew! Ooooh! Here comes Britney and she’s just been cut off by Mariah! GO GIRL!!! Oh, and there’s Michael Bolton getting down with Kenny G and, oh my goodness! Sting! They’re gonna jam. And there’s J. Lo and P. Diddy and LL and Eminem and all the other letters of the alphabet. And there’s Madonna giving birth! How intimate! And Robin Williams is the attending physician. Marilyn Manson is the nurse! How cool is that?

My life is good, but the gods’ life is better—better parties, better clothes, better cars, better sex, better breath. And see I’m going to get there some day, because I’m paying my dues. I can take the pain, I’m not afraid. My nose is too big, chop it off. My hair is too curly, straighten it. And what kind of name is “Eric Bogosian” anyway? It should be … “Ricky!” “Ricky Hanks.” Much better name!