Hello? Hello? Sonia! Why are you letting him pick up the phone? What if it were an emergency—the plane was about to crash and I want to tell you how much I love you and I’m explaining the meaning of life to a six year old? (Speaking more and more rapidly) Well, I don’t know, they canceled the flight and they’re moving me from line to line and the battery on the laptop went down and I’m fibrillating from all the cappuccinos I’ve been drinking. Well, I don’t know what they did before laptops, I’m just saying … Oh, you’ll never guess who just came into the lounge. Here! Here! (Covers the cell phone not to be overheard, whispering) Calista Flockhart! I can’t say it any louder than that. (Again covers the phone, almost unintelligible) Calista Flockhart! (Out loud, figuring it out, in awe) We must be on the same flight! We’ll be breathing the same air molecules all the way to Los Angeles!!! Wow. Do you think she’d think I’m an asshole if I asked her for her autograph? Wait, what’s the name of her TV show? Come on, Sonia, this is important! Listen, call my sister in Buffalo, ask her what’s the name of the show that (Whispering) Calista Flockhart (Normal) is on—she knows these things. Put it on my voicemail, I’ll check in later from the plane. Just do it, OK? For Jeremy, please?

Oh shit, they’re calling me for the flight. So listen, the reason I called is I’m not coming home tomorrow, they’re gonna hold me out there until Monday for meetings. I know. I know it’s our anniversary but … of course, I don’t have to. I can come home right now if I want. Do you want me to come home? You want me to come home? (High-pitched) I’ll come home right now. I won’t have a job, but I can come home. I don’t need this job. I’ll just stay home, we’ll make tie-dye T-shirts, candles, macramé.

Honey, honey, don’t say that. We have lots of quality time together. Of course we do. What about Pittsburgh? You got to wear that neat hat with the little light in the front. Oh, now you’re crying, come on!