Speaking in a British/Indian accent, deep and resonant with a slight lisp:

Thank you so much for joining me tonight on this journey of spiritual recovery. Let me remind each and every one of you in this room that you are full of energy. With this energy, each of us can change our lives. Together we can change the world.

The first thing you must understand in order to harness this energy is that you are nothing. You do not exist. There is no “you.” You are only a temporary vessel for the use of the universe to make manifest this moment and this time. You are merely one stitch in the vast carpet of the cosmos. You are no more than one grain of sand in the endless Sahara of the universe. You are one hair on the butt of the hairy gorilla.

The second thing you must understand is that we exist in two states. We are either in sync with the universe or we are out of sync with the universe. When we are in sync with the universe, we call this being harmonious. When we are out of sync with the universe, we call this being alienated.

We are either in sync or out of sync, harmonious or alienated. How do we know which state we are in? (Pause, smiles, shrugs shoulders) We just know!

So let us now clear our minds and still our centers. And let us contemplate these two states of being—harmony and alienation:

I am warm, I am happy, I am harmonious.

I am cold, I am angry, I am alienated.

I am swimming in my heated swimming pool. I am harmonious.

I am doing my taxes. I am alienated.

I am buying a brand-new Lexus with all-leather interior. I am harmonious.

I am working three jobs to pay for health insurance.

I am alienated.

I am flying first class to Saint Bart’s. I am harmonious.

I am going to jail for food stamp fraud. I am alienated.

If we carefully meditate upon these two states of being, we find a deep and abiding spiritual principle becomes obvious:

Alienation is simply a lack of money.

And, of course, the corollary:

Money brings deep and abiding harmony.

When we have money, our days are full of sunshine, the air is fresh and clean. We love everyone we meet. And everyone loves us.

When we lack money, we become empty and angry. We listen to overly loud music. And we are frequently constipated.

And so each and every one of us is on a path and must answer the eternal question: “How do I get more money?” This is the path that I am on. That is why you are here tonight.