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Chapters (103)
  1. Cover
  2. ALSO BY BIANCA MARAIS
  3. Dedication
  4. Map
  5. CHAPTER ONE
  6. CHAPTER TWO
  7. CHAPTER THREE
  8. CHAPTER FOUR
  9. CHAPTER FIVE
  10. CHAPTER SIX
  11. CHAPTER SEVEN
  12. CHAPTER EIGHT
  13. CHAPTER NINE
  14. CHAPTER TEN
  15. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  16. CHAPTER TWELVE
  17. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  18. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  19. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  20. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  21. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  22. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  23. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  24. CHAPTER TWENTY
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  32. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  33. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  34. CHAPTER THIRTY
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  42. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  43. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  44. CHAPTER FORTY
  45. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  51. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  52. CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
  53. CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
  54. CHAPTER FIFTY
  55. CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
  56. CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
  57. CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
  58. CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
  59. CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
  60. CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
  61. CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
  62. CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
  63. CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
  64. CHAPTER SIXTY
  65. CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
  66. CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
  67. CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
  68. CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
  69. CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE
  70. CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
  71. CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
  72. CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
  73. CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
  74. CHAPTER SEVENTY
  75. CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE
  76. CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
  77. CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE
  78. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
  79. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE
  80. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX
  81. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN
  82. CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT
  83. CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE
  84. CHAPTER EIGHTY
  85. CHAPTER EIGHTY-ONE
  86. CHAPTER EIGHTY-TWO
  87. CHAPTER EIGHTY-THREE
  88. CHAPTER EIGHTY-FOUR
  89. CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE
  90. CHAPTER EIGHTY-SIX
  91. CHAPTER EIGHTY-SEVEN
  92. CHAPTER EIGHTY-EIGHT
  93. CHAPTER EIGHTY-NINE
  94. CHAPTER NINETY
  95. CHAPTER NINETY-ONE
  96. CHAPTER NINETY-TWO
  97. CHAPTER NINETY-THREE
  98. CHAPTER NINETY-FOUR
  99. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  100. GLOSSARY OF TERMS
  101. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  102. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  103. What’s next onyour reading list?

Lindiwe, reading my mind, smiles reassuringly. “We’ll take good care of him. Don’t worry.” She reaches out for him and I feel a rush of vertigo.

“Let me just feed him first,” I say, stalling for a few more minutes.

“Mandy is unfortunately in a bit of a hurry. You go with her to make the statement and I’ll feed him. He’ll be fine.”

And then she pries him free of my grasp. Without the reassuring warmth and weight of him anchoring me, I feel as insubstantial as a cloud, as though all I’m made up of is the cotton-candy fluff of yearning and despair. Don’t tell me you can’t hear a heart breaking. It sounds exactly like a baby that’s been yours for two days being carried away, its quavering cries growing fainter as the world rushes in to close the gap between you.

•   •   •

Walking like a zombie on my way out, I can’t help but think of how I’ve spent my whole life searching for signs only to find them in the most unusual of places. The most powerful ones came when I wasn’t even looking for them.

One such sign came in the form of a song on the radio the night the universe suggested it might be time to leave my first husband, Doug. As I tore out of the yard in Doug’s Ford Cortina with my dress ripped and my mouth bleeding, “You Always Hurt the One You Love” by the Mills Brothers filtered out from the speakers.

It was the same song I’d sung in the bar the night we met, and the same one we danced to a week later as he whispered in my ear that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course, that was before he started hitting me. The thing about fists is that they have a way of robbing you of things—your beauty, your dignity, your sense of self-worth. The song reminded me that I wasn’t that beautiful anymore.

You have him to thank for that, Ruthie, the universe whispered. He took that from you. You know what to do.

And I did.

Some signs have saved my life while others reminded me that I had a life worth saving. Reading them hasn’t always been easy; a precious few are unambiguous; the rest are as ephemeral as smoke and as clear as mud. None has been quite as definitive as a baby left on my doorstep.

And yet I’ve just given him back; rejecting a literal gift from the gods.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Zodwa

13 May 1994

Big Hope Informal Settlement, Magaliesburg, South Africa