“I managed to put him down for a few hours after you went to bed, but then he woke up in the early hours and nothing I’ve done has been able to soothe him. I don’t think the formula agrees with him,” she said while standing up and ambling over. “He vomited most of it up. He must be starving by now.” As I turned to face her, she tried to pass the baby across to me. “Hold him while I dash to the loo and take a quick shower. I need to get to the shops to get him the right formula and proper supplies.”

“Ruth, we need to call—”

“We can’t hand a starving child across to the authorities, can we? Jesus, where’s your compassion?” Her expression was one of such judgment that I couldn’t find words to reply. Instead, I turned back to the sink, washed my hands, and then took the baby from her.

His cry was reaching that quavering, heartbreaking note that only newborns can produce as he gasped for air. Not knowing what else to do, I stuck my finger in the baby’s mouth to try to soothe him.

He latched on immediately, sucking so ferociously that it almost undid me.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Zodwa

11 May 1994

Big Hope Informal Settlement, Magaliesburg, South Africa

When Zodwa awakens, it’s to the strange sensation of her organs shifting back into their natural positions. She rolls over and the motion aggravates the tenderness in her swollen breasts and groin.

That’s when she remembers the baby.

She uses her elbows to prop herself up and looks around the shack. The baby is nowhere to be seen. Neither is Leleti. Her mother must have taken him away so that she could rest.

Zodwa lies back down again and closes her eyes. The present is too painful a place to inhabit, but the past is a well-worn path she can choose to walk whenever she wants. That’s where she seeks refuge now, in those moments prior to her life splitting into a “before” and “after.”

She conjures up the image of how Thembeka looked on the day they first met and it’s an instant balm to her pain. She was so beautiful, with her high forehead and rounded cheekbones, with her wide smile exposing pink gums and glistening white teeth. Her eyes were a lighter shade than Zodwa’s, more rust than brown, and though they had a sleepy quality to them, they twinkled with mischief.

What she felt for Thembeka then was love at first sight and guilt at first sight; it was shame and fear and joy at first sight.