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Chapters (103)
  1. Cover
  2. ALSO BY BIANCA MARAIS
  3. Dedication
  4. Map
  5. CHAPTER ONE
  6. CHAPTER TWO
  7. CHAPTER THREE
  8. CHAPTER FOUR
  9. CHAPTER FIVE
  10. CHAPTER SIX
  11. CHAPTER SEVEN
  12. CHAPTER EIGHT
  13. CHAPTER NINE
  14. CHAPTER TEN
  15. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  16. CHAPTER TWELVE
  17. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  18. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  19. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  20. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  21. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  22. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  23. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  24. CHAPTER TWENTY
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  32. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  33. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  34. CHAPTER THIRTY
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  42. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  43. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  44. CHAPTER FORTY
  45. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  51. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  52. CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
  53. CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
  54. CHAPTER FIFTY
  55. CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
  56. CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
  57. CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
  58. CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
  59. CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
  60. CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
  61. CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN
  62. CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
  63. CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
  64. CHAPTER SIXTY
  65. CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
  66. CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
  67. CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
  68. CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
  69. CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE
  70. CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
  71. CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
  72. CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
  73. CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
  74. CHAPTER SEVENTY
  75. CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE
  76. CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
  77. CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE
  78. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR
  79. CHAPTER SEVENTY-FIVE
  80. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX
  81. CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN
  82. CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT
  83. CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE
  84. CHAPTER EIGHTY
  85. CHAPTER EIGHTY-ONE
  86. CHAPTER EIGHTY-TWO
  87. CHAPTER EIGHTY-THREE
  88. CHAPTER EIGHTY-FOUR
  89. CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE
  90. CHAPTER EIGHTY-SIX
  91. CHAPTER EIGHTY-SEVEN
  92. CHAPTER EIGHTY-EIGHT
  93. CHAPTER EIGHTY-NINE
  94. CHAPTER NINETY
  95. CHAPTER NINETY-ONE
  96. CHAPTER NINETY-TWO
  97. CHAPTER NINETY-THREE
  98. CHAPTER NINETY-FOUR
  99. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  100. GLOSSARY OF TERMS
  101. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  102. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  103. What’s next onyour reading list?

I couldn’t help it then, I broke down. I’d never had the chance to know him, neither as a child nor as an adult, and I would have given everything to go back in time and change that. He’d grown into a kind man, a compassionate priest, and I could claim no responsibility for that, as I’d had no hand at all in shaping the person he’d become.

And even as I wept for Daniel, I cried, too, for all that I’d lost besides him: my girlhood, my innocence, my vocation, and my God. Looking back on my life, I had almost nothing but regrets. I finally understood that I hadn’t had any control over what Father Thomas did to me or what followed with the church, but I’d chosen to excommunicate myself from my own life as a form of punishment, flagellating myself with guilt to the point where nothing else existed beyond that corrosive emotion.

It was too late for Daniel and me, but he’d given me the gift I’d sought my entire life: forgiveness and absolution. He hadn’t blamed me or hated me. My son, despite everything, had somehow seen me as worthy of love. What more could any of us ever ask for?

CHAPTER NINETY-FOUR

Zodwa

6 August 1997

Verdriet, Magaliesburg, South Africa

Zodwa wakes to find the single bed next to hers empty. She gets up and goes to the lounge, rubbing sleep from her eyes as she does so. Mandla is sitting on the couch watching television. He’s too transfixed by the flickering light and colors to notice her as he drinks from a sippy cup, but Thembeka immediately rushes over to Zodwa from the kitchen, where she’s been making tea.

Thembeka places her palm against Zodwa’s brow. “You feel cooler.”

Zodwa has been having night sweats. It necessitated bringing back the sisters’ two single beds from Delilah’s old room to replace the queen bed because Thembeka can’t sleep when Zodwa is thrashing around. Thembeka kisses her cheek and Zodwa closes her eyes to savor the softness of it. As long as she lives, she’ll never get used to the sensation of Thembeka’s lips against her skin.

As long as she lives.

Who knows how long that will be? There are days when Zodwa feels like she’ll live forever and then ones where the ticking of the clock feels like a countdown to her last breath, days she feels so terrible that she’d almost welcome death if it was merciful enough to come for her.