(HOW IS THIS MAN SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THE HOTEL’S IT SYSTEM?!!!)

So I sat next to him and showed him how to open a new resume template, make changes and save it.

You should have seen the look on his face Diary. Remember when Francis uncle, who has that real-estate business in Ernakulam, first took all of us to a five-star hotel (Hotel Sharjah Palace, Thrissur) for breakfast when I was in 8th standard? And cousin Biju (from Kodungalloor) saw a buffet for the first time in his life? And then he ate 17 omelettes in 15 minutes because they said buffet was going to close soon? And we had to then take him to Westfort Hospital to get his stomach pumped?

Sugandh had exactly that look on his face. (When Biju first saw buffet. Not when he had his stomach pumped.)

I chose a nice simple template and then told him to start filling it in. He said he would work on his ‘objective’ first and show me. He worked quietly for half an hour and then showed me:

‘My objective is to have a very good job with high salary and job security.’

This time I looked like cousin Biju during the pumping.

I told him that while his objective was very good and to the point, this is not what the corporate world is looking for from people when they look at resumes. Also, I told him, being straightforward like this about salary and job security makes him look very immature.

Every inch of your biodata, I told him, must ooze sophistication and professionalism. He asked me how I would have written his objective. In just five minutes I had this:

‘I aspire to capitalize on my inherent abilities and strengths to deliver in a professional environment and thereby acquire personal and professional fulfilment safe in the knowledge that I thrive in an environment that is a safe haven for invention and originality.’

This embarrasses me to say, but Sugandh actually clapped for two full minutes after reading that. He kept on saying: You are great sir, you are great sir … I told him that I was merely being helpful and there was no need for this clapping and praise. Unfortunately he took me seriously and stopped instantly.

After that I told him to go back to his office and work on the rest of the template and then show it to me tomorrow. He asked me if I could share a copy of my resume. I told him I would email it to him.

And then he sat for another fifteen minutes slowly packing all his certificates. By this time I was getting terribly pained by my situation. Is this how things are going to be? Every evening this bastard is going to come to my room and blackmail me?

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Anyway he is gone now. And I have slowly begun torturing this hairdryer. It gives me an odd sense of satisfaction.