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Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

I want to cry so I push my fingernails into the palms of my hands. It’s strange to think of other people walking around with the same feeling of cement in their stomach, the same dread as the footsteps get closer, pretending to be asleep but still feeling the hand on your shoulder to wake you. I feel a little bit lighter knowing Aoife understands. ‘Do you miss your mum?’

‘God, no. She’s worse than him. At least with my dad I got to know what was coming. Mum was all nicey-nicey one minute, then the next, bam.’ She punched her hand into the pillow.

‘She hit you?’ At least my mum hadn’t done that. The worst she’d done was let him do it.

‘Yeah. But I didn’t mind that so much as the silence. The pretending I wasn’t even there. However much I said “Mum”, she’d ignore me until I was so desperate to be seen I’d throw a tantrum and then she’d hit me.’ She was staring at the ceiling. ‘My own fault then, really.’

I don’t know if it was or not. There are so many rules adults give you, rules that seem to switch daily, it’s impossible to keep up with them all, however hard you try. And just when you think you’ve got the hang of one, it goes and changes, and you’re back to square one.

‘What do you want to be when you’re an adult?’ I ask. She thinks for a while and I get sleepy waiting.

‘Dunno. A scientist.’

I almost laugh. ‘You need to go to school for that.’

‘I’ll pull it off. I can do anything.’ She speaks with such certainty it doesn’t occur to me to think she won’t.

‘Like one in a white coat and lab glasses?’ I ask.

‘Maybe. Or a renowned physician who travels the world lecturing people on how clever they are.’

‘Why a scientist?’ I’ve never met anyone who wanted to be that before; it seems as impossible as being an astronaut or the prime minister.

‘I went to hospital once, after boyfriend number two broke my leg, and when I asked why they were taking my blood and what they were going to do with it, they pushed me to the lab so I could see. It was amazing. This big room with bottles and machines and a woman was there in a white coat and a clear face mask. She took my tube of blood and showed me how they can find out every little thing about you just from one drop, like our whole lives are there in that little speck, telling her if I like baked beans or if I’m going to die when I eat a peanut.’

She’s speaking so fast I can barely keep up, her expression caught up in the memory of it.