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Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

‘You can find out all this stuff about people from one tiny bit of them, then solve all their problems, like you’re a god or something.’ She grins at me. ‘Or a superhero. I want to be a scientist superhero!’ She raises her fist and I laugh.

‘What do you want to be?’ she asks.

I want to be a mum; I want to love my kid more than anything else on earth. And I want to love other people’s kids, kids who don’t have enough love themselves so haven’t any to spare. But I don’t tell Aoife this, it seems silly when she has such grand things lined up for her life.

‘Not sure yet. Probably a teacher or something.’

Aoife nods, then yawns. ‘I’m tired.’ She moves her head slightly, so she can see me. ‘Shall we go and see Alf again tomorrow? Get more waffles?’

I grin. ‘For sure.’

‘He’s nice, isn’t he?’

‘Yes.’

We sit for a while, swapping stories about our mums until I feel almost better about mine.

‘Do you believe in God?’ Aoife suddenly asks. She points to the Bible by my bed and I notice her nails are encrusted with dirt. I shake my head.

‘We all get them. When we arrive. You’ll have one in your drawer.’ I nod to the side of the room where she sleeps and the little brown wooden box by her bed. She doesn’t follow my eyes and instead throws my Bible to the floor.

‘God doesn’t exist. He’s just made up by adults who want to control us.’

I’m surprised by how angry she sounds. ‘Control us?’

She squints at me as if I’m half mad. ‘Of course, dumbo. They pretend God made all these rules that we must follow and use them to punish us when we don’t. So they get to be in the right when they’re beating on you, because they are doing it to make God love you.’ She leans in closer and I smell sweetness on her breath. ‘But it’s a lie.’ Her Irish accent is thicker now, and I struggle to make out her words.

‘You know why my mum had me?’

It’s not really a question, so I wait for the answer.

‘She had me because God said it was bad if she got rid of me. But God lets her boyfriends put me in hospital? Let her lock me out of the house all night because they don’t want me around? What sort of God is that?’ She stops speaking and lies still, her breathing hard and fast. I take her hand and we stay like that until her breathing slows. After a while she picks up her torch and a book. Pushing pillows behind her, she half sits and opens at the first page.