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Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

All I seem able to think about now is Alf. I try to picture him sitting in his cell for what he did to me and Aoife. Or maybe he’s out now and living his life again, undeterred by what he turned us into. Maybe – and the thought makes me turn ice-cold – he’s walking past my door and I don’t even know it, or watching me from the corner of the street.

Would I recognise him? The face he used to have is burned into my dreams, soaking me in sweat as I wake screaming, but the one he has now may be different, thinner perhaps after years eating prison food, or fatter from the lack of exercise. I think back to the last time I saw him, standing in the dock as the judge sent him down, the words ringing through the courtroom, and I remember feeling nothing but guilt for being the cause of it.

‘This has been,’ the judge said, ‘the most depraved case of child cruelty and exploitation I have ever come across. You subjected these girls to months of abuse, but worse, you manipulated them to think you cared for them when in fact you were using them as one would a toy. You preyed on the most vulnerable children you could find and then shared them around like bags of sweets without one thought for their happiness, only for your own depraved gratification.’

I had wanted to scream, ‘No, he did care!’ because right then the idea he didn’t, after everything that had happened to Aoife, was too much to bear. I thought I’d lost her and I couldn’t stand to lose him too.

It took me years to finally accept what sort of man Alf was. To accept I had allowed him to treat me like that because no one had thought to tell me I was worth more, and longer still to feel I was. So it angers me to have him back in my life, my days filled with thoughts of him, and even Aoife can’t stop the waves of hate when they hit.

I stand and pick up my coat. Men like Alf deserve to die. Just as men like Connor deserve to die, and if the law can’t protect women like me and Aoife I’m happy to take on that role. But first I need to deal with Eve. The letters haven’t worked, she hasn’t even had the decency to respond, so I don’t care any more; I don’t care what her husband told me or how much he begged me to bide my time. I’m going to write Eve one more letter, and this time I’m going to hand deliver it myself.

Twenty-nine