So what does God do with His only son? Does He take him to a ball game? Teach him how to fish? Read him the Sun day comics? No, He has him tortured to death. Takes this poor guy. This meek, little, skinny Jewish carpenter. Nice guy, sweet guy, looks just like Willem Dafoe. With the little Home Improvement carpenter belt, little hammer and every thing. Has these Roman soldiers march this poor little guy all over town in his underwear, whipping him, sticking things in his side, the sponge with vinegar (which I never got), giving him a hard time, crown of thorns on his head, the whole nine yards. Terrible. Dragging this huge piece of lumber on his back. How ironic, he’s a carpenter.

They drag him up on top of this hill, nail his hands to the wood. Can you imagine what that felt like! You ever get a paper cut? How much that hurts? NAILS! I mean, who thinks this stuff up? Daddy, that’s who! (God voice) “Just use one nail on the feet, I’m building a shed behind heaven, I don’t want to waste the hardware.”

(Strikes a crucifixion pose, arms out, head tilted, looking upward.)

And Jesus’s hanging there in the sun, cooking, blood dripping. His abandonment issues are kicking up. His inner child feels like shit. He’s got some issues with his dad. So he looks up to heaven and says, (In a California surfer voice) “Like, Dad? Yo, can I ask you a question?” (Contemplates one nailed hand, then the other) “Are you pissed off at me about something? Because I’ve been really good, you know? I’ve done everything you asked me to. Did all the weddings and the bar mitzvahs. Hung out with those twelve deadbeats. And they never pick up a check, Dad, never. Walked on water. And then you wanted me to go out in the desert and I did it. Said don’t eat anything and I didn’t. Don’t drink and, Dad, you can get real thirsty in the desert. And then Satan came and tried to tempt me with like chicks and money and he even said he could get my film into Sundance and I said, ‘NO! Get thee behind me, Satan-dude. Uh-uh, not interested, because I’m with the Big Guy.’” (Points upward, pulling at his nail) “Owww! ‘I’m with the guy upstairs, I’m with DADDY!’”

(Jumps off “cross”; preaches in a Holy Roller voice, very animated:)

BECAUSE HE BELIEVED! HE BELIEVED THAT THE GOOD LORD WOULD PROTECT HIM. HE BELIEVED THE ALMIGHTY LORD WOULD TAKE HIM INTO HIS ALL-POWERFUL ARMS AND SHELTER HIM. HE BELIEVED THAT THE GOOD LORD WOULD TAKE CARE OF HIS LITTLE SHEEP! HE HAD FAITH, FAITH, FAITH!!!

(Switches back to normal voice:)