Well, let me tell you something: my God—I believe in God—my God is a capricious little fucker. Or should I say “big fucker”? I mean, here’s a guy—we’re all clear here on who God is, right? The most powerful being in the universe! Has to be, if He weren’t, if there were some other being more powerful than Him, well then … he’d be God wouldn’t he?

My God is all powerful. He can do anything. My God could feed every hungry person on the planet Earth—like that (Snaps fingers)—tomorrow! He could rid the world of disease—like that. All those little bald children on the Cancer Channel? Gone, healthy, in great shape! (Snaps fingers) God could do that.

He could give us an extra hour of sunshine every day. Create a few more parking spaces. But noooooo! That would be too easy. He doesn’t want to do that! No, my God doesn’t like to do the easy stuff, it’s boring to Him. He doesn’t want to do what everybody wants Him to do. Kind of like Lou Reed, He does what He wants to do. He’s got integrity. He’s not going to sell out.

So, anyway, my God is hanging around heaven one day, two thousand years ago, getting a little antsy, and decides to take a trip down to Palestine, starts hanging out with this Jewish chick named Mary. Right? Kind of a weird name for a Jewish girl. But anyway, they get busy and the next thing you know, she’s knocked-up, pregnant. No body’s even sure how He did it. Kind of a theological question: does God have a dick? If He does, how big is it? How many angels can dance on the head of it? We don’t have to answer that question tonight.

And they have this kid, baby Jesus. Not just any kid, God’s only son. God isn’t like some kind of NBA player that has a kid in every town. This is God’s only son, the only son of God. (Aside to the audience, if such a thing is possible in a direct address) By the way, I’m not making any of this up, it’s all in the Bible, you can read it when you get home.