See I can’t be around all that toxic shit anymore, man. Cannot do it. That’s why I hit the road, man. Oh yeah, I just went into the boss one day and said, “I’m outta here.” What? Oh, he didn’t care, he’s got people lined up around the block to make those lattes. He just looked at me and said, “What are you going to do for money?”

And I said, “I don’t need money, man. Money’s just to buy stuff. And I don’t need stuff. I’m free. I mean, look around us, man, all these cars, always movin’ out on the highway. They never stop. Like ants in an anthill. Ever watch ants, man? I love watchin’ ants, man. Always busy doing something really important like moving a cookie crumb from here (Indicates) all the way over to there. That’s what all these cars are doin’, just movin’ stuff around. But instead of popsicle sticks and bits of chewed-up leaf, they’re movin’ DVDs and running shoes and frozen turkey burgers and microwave popcorn and flawless pieces of fruit with the little stickers on ’em that you can’t get off … back to the anthill.

Oh, my boss? He said, “Yeah, well you’ll be singing another song when you’re old.”

And I said, “When I’m old same thing’ll happen to me that’s going to happen to you. I’m gonna die. Except that you’re gonna be so rich with your portfolios and mutual funds and IRAs and all that shit they won’t let you die. They’ll stick you in one of those old-age cells with adjustable beds that go up and down and a remote control for a TV set. Just hope you’re not paralyzed or you’ll be watchin’ Home Shopping Network ’round the clock for the rest of your feeble life.

Me, when I die, I’m just gonna curl up on a pile of leaves in the middle of the woods and croak. And maybe if I’m lucky, an acorn will get lodged in my butt crack. And a giant oak tree will grow out of my ass and drop acorns all over my grave. And then a deer will come and munch on those acorns and my karma will go from those acorns into that deer. And then a mountain lion will come and eat the deer and my karma will go into that lion sperm and when the lion makes it with his old lady I’ll come back as a baby lion. (Mimes the baby mountain lion padding about) Spend my next life in the woods, just boppin’ around doin’ that mountain lion thing.

Oh, he just gave this weird look, patted me on the back and said, “Good luck, dude.”

And I said, “I don’t need the luck, man, you’re the one on the Titanic.”