I hope we get a ride pretty soon, man, it’s getting cold out here. (Puts his hand up in refusal) No coffee for me, man, it’s not my thing anymore. You know? All those little starving peasant coffee farmers down in South America? I don’t want to be responsible for all that, you know? Like you’re either part of the problem or you’re part of the solution. No coffee, no sugar, no meat, no Nikes. It’s all connected man, it’s all part of the big picture. If you don’t believe that, then it’s like we’re living in a giant TV screen that isn’t tuned to any station. Billions of dots, bouncing and frying around. Noise in a void. Snow. Dots. But there’s always a big picture. Sometimes you can’t see it, but it’s there.

(Effect of car passing.)

Last night I was hitching, and for a few minutes everything made sense. The stars were floatin’ high in the sky. I could smell the grass. The crickets were cricketing. I was in harmony with the universe.

And then I heard this sound from far away: BEP. BEP. And then I saw it, this giant eighteen-wheeler blowin’ down on me, doing ninety miles an hour. And I looked up through the windshield, I could see the driver. One of those bizarro zombies from our modern-day life. Big thick neck. Beard stubble. Circles under his eyes from all the porno videos he’s been watchin’. Totally insane! Chowin’ on this huge meatball sub as he drove.

And I thought, That pretty much sums it up. Meatballs, man. Like what’s the karma in a meatball? Only humans make balls out of other animals. Like when you’re in kindergarten and you’re coloring in your coloring book: what does the doggy say? “Bow-wow!” What does the kitty say? “Meeoww.” What does the moo-cow say? “AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Oh yeah, dude tried to run me over, man! And as I jumped out of the way and he blew past, he had his window down and he was swearing at me. “FUCK YOU, YOU LOSER SHIT FREAK FUCKIN’ PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE SUCK MY DICK YOU FUCKHEAD FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

Spitting out these gobs of phlegm because he’s filled with mucus from all the dairy products he consumes! And then reached up and … BLAAAAAAP! BLAAAAAP! BLAAAAAP!

Totally fucked me up, man. Couldn’t hear the crickets for hours. Like what’s an airhorn, man, but the sound of the end of civilization?