Yeah, we’ll go to that Ricky Martin concert and then we’ll go out to some trendy L.A. nightspot that only cool people like me know about. But we’ll be above it all and leave once we get past the velvet ropes. And then … then we’ll go for a ride … but they roll up the sidewalks at ten P.M. in L.A., so we’ll have to go back to my room at the Four Seasons. And she’ll be impressed by the four-star-edness of the whole thing—the cashews in the little mason jar, the free playing cards. We’ll sit on the couch and talk about life for about three minutes, then we’ll start kissing, tear each other’s clothes off.

And I’ll get that tight little United Airlines outfit off and that Wonderbra and that thong she doesn’t think I notice underneath. And she’ll be completely NUDE. Just like Mary Elizabeth when we were six playing doctor behind the elementary school. I’ll be able to examine her all I want: toes, knees, belly button.

And then I’ll say, “Why don’t we take a shower?” That’s always a good icebreaker. Girls like that. And we’ll kiss under the flowing water, very erotic. And then I’ll say, “Why don’t I wash your back?” And I’ll lather her up. I’ll cover her with lather, I won’t stop at her back. She’ll be all white from all the lather and I won’t wash her off … I’ll just (Mimes picking her up and carrying her) carry her to the bed and she’ll be this big slick white lathered-up stewardess. And I’ll spread her legs and the only thing I’ll be able to see through all the soap bubbles is a little pink sideways smile looking up at me. And I’ll lean over, and with my tongue I’ll very very gently place the tip of my tongue …

(Jumps behind the mike; deep, resonant, good-ol’-boy captain’s voice:)

This is your captain speaking. We’re currently cruising at an altitude of about thirty thousand feet with clear skies all the way in to LAX, making up a little time for that delayed departure. Which is the good news. Bad news is we got a little problem up here in the cockpit. Nothing to get too concerned about. Seems that when we were refueling back at JFK, the fuel gauge got stuck and thing is, we’re not carrying a whole helluvalot of fuel this afternoon. In fact, we’re pretty much bone dry.