If you go and die I’ll kill you I said into his ear. It too had red rashes on it.

Stefan and johan were waiting in the corridor.

He’s alive I said. There’s no point in staying here now. He’s asleep and they won’t wake him up until tomorrow. 148

Come home with us stefan said. We’ll cook something and open a bottle of wine. You can stay the night in our guest room.

Thank you I said. Then I shook my head. I’d like to but some other time. Just now I have to go home and look after the dog.

When I stepped out into the bus lane outside the hospital I realised john was waiting in the jeep. He took the window down and said that he had heard what had happened.

I hesitated. Are you sober.

He nodded. Claimed that he had poured the distilled stuff out soon after I had left and then gone straight to bed.

Breathe on me I said.

I jumped in. For twentythirtykilometres we sat in silence.

I’m making clay men I said. A battalion of drunkards. You’re among them. How long have you been drinking.

For as long as I can remember he said. When I stopped drinking once I took up painting. Alcohol fulfils the same function. Except the other way round. The alcohol soothes me and the painting alerts me.

Smart thinking I said. Pity you don’t stick to painting in that case.

I was angry. Something good had been taken from me. A sense of a connection that I had imagined existed between us removed. Only shabbiness was left. Past pissups and excuses.

Why didn’t you tell me about you and katarina. You knew I was with her when she died. You hide everything I said.

You never asked he said. Just as I knew he would.

Listen I said. There are sixty kilometres left to smalånger. While you drive tell me everything about your life that comes to mind and without waiting for me to ask.

I can’t he said. I’m not like those people.

What people. 149

People who speak about themselves. Storytellers.

Who are you then.

An old tired alcoholic and probably nothing more.

We stopped talking again and stayed silent for the rest of the journey.

He stopped at eskilbrännström’s to let himself out and I moved into the driver’s seat.

Wait here he said. I’ve got something for you.

He went into the house and emerged carrying a painting covered in cardboard. Have a look at it sometime when you feel like it he said and put it in the back.

150

TWENTYEIGHT