I didn’t do it said his back and I do want to see you again. He turned to me. Bent over me and breathed against my temple. Stroked my arms that were feeling cold again. I let it happen. Let him pull the tshirt over my head and his hands cup my breasts and then lift me up and place me on the bed. He took his own 39clothes off and then I asked him to lie down on me with all his bulky weight and come inside me while I pulled his hair hard to hurt him and he came with his whole gorillalike body that I didn’t want to share with a corpse.

You are beautiful he said afterwards. Your soul is old.

I leave everyone in the end just like maria I said.

We kissed in the doorway. I asked if he minded my taking a picture to remember us by and he stared earnestly into the eye of the camera while I tried to smile.

Then he put into words what I had not wanted to think about.

I don’t believe your brother did it either.

40

SEVEN

Monday morning is monday morning wherever one lives in the world. Not that it helps. The jarring sound of my mobile rang out so near my ear I had to reply to shut it up.

Is that janakippo asked the female voice at the other end of the line. This is märitljungqvist from the elderly care service in smalånger local council. You have applied for a post with us and I would like to meet you as soon as possible.

When the call finished and we had agreed a time for the interview I crawled back into bed with the phone and scrolled until I had the image of us in the hall before I went home. I ought to end this. Send him a text or use some other cowardly means to avoid any suggestion I wanted him. Then I remembered the byre and the memories it had stirred and the relief that it was he who had caught me in the milking parlour and not father in his green overalls with popping buttons down the front.

Before I went to the council branch office I went along to the sawmill and before that I had drunk coffee in the kitchen with bror. I told him as was true enough that he ought to find help to stop drinking but that there was nothing wrong with him it was me who was fragile and slept with men who weren’t right for me.

When my questions touched on maria and emelie he got up suddenly and locked himself in his bedroom.