Maria died by her own hand. But with assistance. I sat next to her. Held her hand to the last. I think she was too frightened to die on her own. 308

We walked on.

As far as I can see it’s impossible to find out the truth I said. The true stories go this way and that far too wildly.

It could well be he said. But now I’ve told you everything. I have no more secrets.

Do you miss her I asked. Of course I do. Maria was maria.

Maria was maria. By then we had arrived at the crossing for eskilbrännström’s.

And what about you he asked. Do you think of her as a lost sister.

Not exactly I said. You can’t really lose something you’ve never had.

Unlike diana he said. Yes unlike her I said.

You’ll find your way back together that I’m certain of he said.

You know nothing about it I said.

Come home with me he said. Put his arm around me and pulled me towards his house but I hung back. Maria clung to his other arm. I let go first.

309

FIFTYONE

Bror and angelika had dressed the house for christmas. Not for a plain kippostyle christmas with a tree hung with coloured balls. The entire house was like a stage set for a romantic christmas comedy. Waves of coloured fairylights hung along the roofs. The windows were chockfull of wreaths churches mangers shiningstars amaryllis and candles. Small santas peeped out from behind the curtains. The usual homewoven white ones had been replaced by mother’s handcrocheted red curtains which bror had rooted out from one of the boxes in the attic. More santas sat in rows above the stoves dangling their stuffed legs in plastic boots. Even the ragrugs had been exchanged for others in chrismassy colours.

When I came in they were dressing the tree. It was a fourmeter giant they had cut down to make room at the top for the christmas star. Angelika had climbed a ladder and placed the balls and whatever other decorations bror handed her. And for every new item he handed her and she took they beamed lovingly at each other. A fairy had passed by and waved her wand.

How was church bror asked. Alternative I said. The padre had skived off. John was there. Besides where did you find that tree I asked.

At the johanssons’ sheepshed near the grazing meadows bror said. Only he and I knew the precise meaning attached to that geographical location. 310

Even now maria was directing the performance from the other side. Hopefully this was bror’s last venture in that direction or else angelika would suffer one day.

It’s so nice that you’re here with us I said to her and meant it. Without you I doubt if we’d even have a tree.