Why don’t you say something. What am I supposed to say.

Explain what’s going on. How do you mean explain.

Don’t act stupid. You know what I mean. 258

Would you like to find out exactly what I cooked for supper for göranbäckström’s mother. Or what medicines she takes. Sorry can’t do. Confidentiality rules you know.

He was breathing at his end.

Was there anything else I asked. I start work at quarter to seven.

He ended the call. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Lay awake thinking about our relationship if that was the word for it.

We were of the same kind. Neither belonged to someone else. And no one belonged to us. Our backstories held us together.

But during the brief exchange that night it seemed all that was good about us two together had leached away. Left behind was a sour whiff of jealousy and distrust.

I knew it wouldn’t get better. On the contrary. I would be held to account. I had started already to go over what I had said.

259

FORTYFOUR

I fell asleep around five and woke again about an hour later. Everything hurt. Even my jaws felt as if I had toothache. As I stood swaying on weak legs and tried to dress I felt as freezing as a runaway dog. My only coherent thought was that I must start the boiler up.

I clung to the railing because the staircase was rocking. Or so it seemed. I loaded the boiler with the last of the logs.

I took two aspirins but still felt out of sorts. Only now I was sweating instead of shivering. The ditch the burn the moor the frost all that. It must have got inside my body. Something john had whispered to me that night in the cottage came back to me. We should marry and have children together. Finally get to know diana.

He had said other things as well. That he didn’t understand how I could give my child away. And that it was something no real woman would do.

I buttoned a winter jacket up to my chin and went to the kennel. Topped up with water and dogfood. I crouched down but could barely find the strength to straighten up again.

Wood I thought. Must get more wood in. Once in the woodshed I remembered that the last batch of logs had been taken inside and burned. I had to get the cleaver going.

At first I couldn’t find the extension lead. Bror’s tiny share of orderliness had left very satisfying traces in the woodshed. There 260were cupboards with drawers for nails screws nuts staples. Larger objects were stored with intense neatness on the walls. Tools saws axes. Fishing nets and hoop nets and mink traps. Even the kicksled. And the cables were next to it.