That’s right I said and remembered how smoothly the sharp prongs of hayfork had slid through the cloth of his overall and into his belly. He had sharpened it himself I added.

We dressed and went outside. Large snowflakes were falling silently. My body was aching after the strain of the night but it felt soothing to walk out into the white light.

We heard shooting from far away. They’re on a hunt down by the seashore he said.

What about you then I said. Don’t you join in anymore. I ought to have learned by now to speak to his good ear.

We cut fir branches to put in front of the door.

After a day’s work the cottage began to look like someone’s home. And after a day away I was thinking that I ought to go home to my own house. Lukas was still with göranbäckström. John seemed to be more or less as usual.

What are you going to tell people he asked. About what I said. About me losing it and attacking both you and petra. 238

I don’t know. It isn’t for me to explain. You’ll have to do that yourself.

People talk such a lot of shit. If only half of it were true.

You’re right I said. But this was so otherwise. You were someone else. Thought petra was maria and I had come to clean the house.

He searched for something in the chest of drawers. It was an old cape in grey felt with a velcro fastening at the neck. Fur lined and decorated with pieces of reindeer horn. He placed it around my neck and smiled his sad harelipped smile.

You won’t get cold with this on. I think it was my mum’s cape. Walk slightly eastwards and then you’ll get to cross the burn without even wetting your shoes.

239

FORTYONE

There were no footsteps to follow. The snow cover was complete and I walked by instinct. Slipped as I made my way down the hillside that john had said was less steep. Kept hitting my knees on the sharp edges of cracks in the rock. Located the burn and walked back and forth along it until I came to a plank resting on big stones. The water was rushing along under it. Once I had left the burn I got lost and in the end I finally reached the cartrack a good bit further to the south of the saw. Tiredness and cold had invaded my body. I had had it with forests. Walked slowly. Reaching my car would take time. An engine sound was coming closer. I held out my arm hoping for a lift.