My mouth felt sticky. The flight instinct had been aroused. The only way into the hall was through the kitchen door and he stood very close to it. One wrong decision by me would trigger a wrong decision by him. He swayed. Swallowed a couple more mouthfuls and slammed the bottle down on the table.

So you think I’m ugly he said with a little laugh. Well everything is relative. Your sister now he said. She was a real woman. You’re not a real woman. You are.

He didn’t finish the sentence.

I want to go home now I said. 134

Off you go he said. Spat in the sink and put in a new pinch of snuff.

I set out for the kitchen door. I was frightened and had every reason to be. His eyes had the same remote glare as father’s of a fridaynight. When I reached the door he made one long pace sideways and blocked the way. Removed the grip I had used to put my hair up and spread the stringy tresses over my shoulders.

You’re playing with fire he said. His breath smelled of booze. You want but refuse to give. How do you think that will end.

I don’t know I said. Please let me pass.

You go. Nothing to stop you he said and stayed where he was.

Let’s meet another day. I want to go home now.

Let’s meet another day I want to go home now he repeated and twisted my hair back into the tie. But I want you to stay you see. We belong together he said. Whether you like it or not.

He tried to put his arms around me and I let him without hugging him back.

Sorry he gabbled. Forgive me jana I didn’t mean to.

Even so he stayed put like a piece of misplaced furniture. I could sense the energy drain from his body. When I pushed him aside he did nothing to stop me.

135

TWENTYFOUR

Bror had not attended the funeral service. Not that he and katarina had been close but still. She was someone we had known since childhood. He should have shown respect.

Hallo I called out once inside the front door. No reply. He must be somewhere. And probably as pissed as john. Just then I felt too tired to worry.

I went upstairs to change. Then I locked myself into the yellowroom and entered the world of the clayfolk. Many hours later when I finally went to bed there were eight men in a row. The number of men there were or had been in my life who had been either violent or alcoholics or both. Maybe there had been more. I felt quite tired towards the end.