I can’t understand this. I don’t understand how this came about.

You need help I said. 217

Let me show you something he said. I didn’t dare refuse.

He locked the front door. The tapeworm stirred inside me.

Why do you have to lock it I asked.

It’s just because we need a bit more time he said as he was pulling me towards the stairs.

I’m not sure about this I said. I ought to go now.

Soon he said. I’m not keeping you captive. Don’t think that.

218

THIRTYEIGHT

The upstairs floor was laid out like most upstairs in a västerbotten farmhouse. First a landing. A small room and a couple of bigger ones. One of them had been turned into a kitchen by the looks of it sometime in the 1930s. A small door off the landing probably led into the attic space.

I stopped on the landing to gain time. I wanted him to let go of my hand. Pretended to have a look around as if to orient myself.

I like the wallpaper I said. It looks original.

He opened the bedroom door wide. Pulled me into the dark room still holding my hand in a grip that didn’t seem about to loosen.

John I said. There’s no need to hold on to me. I’m not going to escape.

No why would you.

He moved to stand behind me and said I that was only to look at one painting at a time. Mumbled something I didn’t catch. Then he switched the light on.

The wallpaper was covered by the canvases stapled to the walls. I thought the woman in the paintings was maria.

We moved slowly along. The same scene was painted from several different perspectives. It was always summer. The grass was grassgreen. Clouds were drifting in the sky.

I was especially pleased with the clouds he said. We had divorced a year or so before. It was her wish. She said I was impossible to live with. Kept repeating that we had no future together. 219

What did she mean by that I asked.

Just the usual I think. That I was jealous and controlling. That she got frightened of me when I got drunk.

Have you been drinking today I asked.

What’s that got to do with anything he said.

It matters a lot I thought. But was in no position to argue.

Perhaps she had reasons for fearing you I said. John agreed.

She did. Absolutely. You can’t question somebody’s fear he said. But I was afraid of her. She had ways of diminishing you. She invented things. Like somebody had said this or done that.

What kind of things I said.