Someone was screaming at me.

You leave my husband alone you filthy little whore she hissed. Spit sprayed from between her teeth. I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. You bitch keep your hands off martin she shouted and used both hands to push me. Don’t fancy yourself like you can just come back here and help yourself to our men.

I don’t know who you’re even talking about I said and tried to fend off her flailing hands.

What’s your fucking problem you’ve just been making out with him. By now she was screeching.

I shoved her out of my way and left the ladies to go straight to the cloakroom. I collected my jacket and boots and put my shoes in my bag.

The sound of talking and music the loud drunk voices the rutting calls and the disappointments pleasure jealousy and lust became a solid thing pressing against my back. 210

Then I turned into the road and the wall of ploughedup snow suddenly blocked the noise out. Now all I could hear was snow falling from the trees and the engine of a distant car.

I raised my thumb. A tractor stopped and I jumped in. It was finn. He had swapped his gully sucker for a snow blower and was on his way home.

He patted a folddown seat. Took his jacket off and spread it across my knees in their thin tights.

211

THIRTYSEVEN

The rehab clinic had a visiting day for relatives. Bror had asked me to come and see him. We were sat down in a circle and the drug therapist told us to introduce ourselves.

Janakippo. I’m a relative I said. Brorkippo. I’m an alcoholic bror said.

People who live with someone who abuses drugs become codependent the therapist said. That is dependent in the sense that your belief that you’re helping makes you adjust your behaviour to the abuser. From now on I want you to introduce yourselves as codependents. No one can help the abuser if he or she doesn’t want to be helped the therapist went on.

He came out with more selfevident comments. Bror and I were already experts in this area. He in particular since he was a user as well an experienced codependent.

I didn’t buy into the word. Codependent. We weren’t to blame for father’s behaviour. And now I was supposed to be codependent again to relate to both bror and john. In this part of the world being an alcoholic was a complete identity and being codependent a steady job.

The battalion of drunks marched past in my mind’s eye. My jobskills were broadly based on experience.

So how are things I asked later when bror and I were walking in the clinic park. 212