He may just have been looking for closeness john said. Your innocent childish body must have aroused a dangerous tenderness that was sweet and painful.

What about you I asked. What did you do afterwards.

I cycled back home. Or maybe I had the moped then. I told my mum what I had seen and she went to speak to siri. That was brave of her. She who ate tattie peel by the sink was prepared to fight on behalf of a neighbour’s child.

Siri hadn’t ever heard anything like it. Called it a fool’s tale. That our erik would never do anything like that. And said she’d get me locked up if I carried on spreading lies. 100

So we returned to our own. Me they packed off to örebro after the garnering. The next year dad sold the cows and I went off to work for a farmer down south near södertälje. When I came back here almost seven years later you were thirteen and had tried to kill your father.

Why are you painting that picture I wondered.

I paint to understand. It’s why I paint at all. I want to reach the innermost core of memories.

And now you’re painting yourself into my memories I said.

Our memories. I was there too.

Hope there’s plenty of red on your palette I said.

101

EIGHTEEN

We had a dog. Or to be precise father had a dog. He kept it chained to its kennel. The dog was only used for hunting and it was usually in such bad condition that it wouldn’t bark for the elk. If it didn’t he’d shoot it. An ailing elkhound was of no use. Sometimes the animals died from exhaustion. When a dog died it would be replaced by a new one. It was always a male always called lukas and promptly chained to the kennel.

Before the youngdog grew up it was just a whimpering puppy missing the closeness of the pack.

We were forbidden to pet it. We weren’t even allowed to feed it. The dog was father’s and wasn’t to be spoiled with pats and nice things to eat. It was always scared and barked at everything. Even us.

One day mother had to visit a relative in upper kalix and stayed overnight. Father was away at work and bror was told to give the dog its food. We did it together. An offered piece of sausage silenced him. One more piece and he licked bror’s hand. We sat down with him. He put his head in my lap.

After that we took the chance of spoiling him during the weekdays father was away. Took him for walks in the forest. Sneaked bits of food to him that we had stolen from the fridge. Petted him and played with him as one does with dogs.