The grip on my hand grew weaker. In the end it was I alone who held us together. 80

I placed her hand on top of the blanket. Checked her feet. By now they were azure blue and the flares on her calves had reached her knees and were coloured in like a child’s sky.

She was breathing in a new way. Hissing from deep inside through her throat and open mouth. For every breath it took longer until the next.

Caronika came in.

We are at the end now she said as she peeped under the blanket at the foot end of the bed. I leaned over katarina to whisper in her ear.

You were my best friend.

81

FIFTEEN

We washed her. Helped each other to turn her fragile body and clean it with soft terry cloths.

I looked through her clothes and decided in the end on a ramones t and a pair of black jeans. Her corpse looked so beautiful it was unreal. For the first time I saw her. I did her justice.

What do we do about ingelahansson I asked. Katarina’s mum. Is anyone going to bring her here to say a last farewell.

Mrshansson is demented of course the nurse said. So there’s a risk she can’t grasp what’s happened.

Do you think one can’t even grasp if one’s child has died I wondered thinking that maybe katarina’s mum didn’t even know that her daughter had been ill.

The nurse said that it was up to märitljungqvist to decide what to do. And hurried away.

I stayed sitting by the bed for a little longer. It felt wrong to leave katarina alone throughout the long evening that was darkening into night.

I wanted to look for the letters. They were sure to be cleverly hidden somewhere. Katarina had always loved playing cops and robbers. But if someone came in while I searched it could be misunderstood. Make me seem ghoulish.

When I got bored just sitting I went to get a cleaning cloth and wiped her bedside table. Then I put the homeservice things in a 82carrier bag. Found a hoover in a cupboard in the hall and used it to tidy the rug and floor surfaces where the care staff had walked straight in with their shoes on. To finish off I mopped the floor and had just finished around the bed when I heard sounds from the door. A key was put into the lock.

Someone entered. Hi said the voice. It was fredrik.

I held out my hand and told him how sorry I was. He stared at me but didn’t get himself together enough to greet me in return. Hi jana he said as if we knew each other. I got a plane this afternoon he said and came inside with his shoes on. I had hoped to get here in time.