Has someone been here already she asked. I shook my head adding that I had just arrived. The nurse checked katarina’s pulse then fleetingly stroked her hairless head.

She seems to be sleeping normally even though the dose was rather too large she said meeting my eyes for the first time. Look I’ll be back later to give her some more. You change her nappy and turn her.

In the car on the way back to the office I cried uncontrollably all the way to the staff parking area and for a while longer after I had gone inside. Then my tears stopped flowing. Sixteen individuals stared at me. Their irritated body language demanded to know how come I was so late and wasn’t I aware that the working day ended at quarter past five.

I had to apologise and promise it wouldn’t happen again. We had a joint debriefing session to hand over to the evening crew and then we were free to go home.

I thanked god that in my ignorance I hadn’t killed someone.

49

EIGHT

The jeep was cold and wouldn’t start at first. I drove slowly up the slight incline towards the eastern end of the village.

Only a week had passed since I took the bus down to bror. It felt longer. Everything ached. Head arms back feet crotch soul.

The turning to eskilbrännström’s drew closer and I slowed down then stopped. Sat there not knowing what I should do. Or what I wanted to do. Finally I turned and drove along the track to the farm. The paraffin lamps made the farmhouse steam and glow with light.

He stood on the steps. I lingered by the jeep’s door. The distance between us could be interpreted in various ways.

But we met halfway and I let myself be escorted into the warmth. He had been cooking. It was stuffed potato dumplings with butter and cowberry jam. I eyed the roughlyshaped little boulders. Served myself a small piece and chewed reluctantly even though I probably hadn’t eaten anything since the morning. The kafkaeyes looked at me and at the bed.

Lie down if you want. I’ll come to bed later.

I wanted to rest but didn’t have the energy to get up from the chair.

The kitchen smelled of turpentine and so did his hands. Once more he undressed me but this time with the same caring hands that I had used for the oldies all that day. When everything was off and I stood there naked and listless he pulled a clean vest 50over my head. The vest reached halfway down my thighs. It too smelled of turps.

I saw your names on the auldbirch by the sawmill I told him. Your two names were there below our childish carvings. It didn’t feel right.