Do you know who her father is I asked.

That I knew but he didn’t was part of a kind of revenge. Of course he might know and be unable to do anything about it. He is married.

Once petra was born something changed maria. It was hard for her. She was in labour for almost two days and nights. They pulled the baby out by suction in the end. Maria would barely look at her. She felt nothing for the baby she said. She couldn’t love her child even though she wanted to. And she said that she couldn’t love me even though she wanted to. She cried almost all the time and when she wasn’t crying she was silent. Sat on the sofa and smoked. Didn’t go outside ever. Didn’t answer phone calls. If someone knocked on the door she didn’t open it. Stopped answering when you spoke to her.

How could you let her care for petra when you knew she couldn’t cope I asked.

She was hardly ever left alone with the baby he said. Only for a short while in the early evening before I came home. All day noragran was on hand to help. This was when I was working in ume. One evening I was back a little later than usual. All the house lights were off. The door was locked. Petra was in her cot. She didn’t even cry. But the mattress was soaking. Her quilt was hanging over a chair.

Maria came back early the next morning. I was sitting on the sofa with petra. I had wrapped her in a sheepskin. Maria stopped in the doorway. She scowled at us. Then she went off to bed upstairs. 275

She had postpartum psychosis didn’t she I said.

Yes he said. That’s what they called it. Anyway, the child care services sent someone along to talk to maria but she refused. A couple of hours afterwards an ambulance pulled up outside. She allowed herself to be taken away without a glance at me or petra.

Many months later she was back home. The medication and the hospital food had made her put on too much weight but her mind had brightened up. She seemed quite interested in petra but in a way that reminded me of people watching colourful fish in an aquarium.

Noragran kept coming round as before and maria didn’t argue. She was busy elsewhere. She’d disappear and return full of renewed energy. That’s how it started I suppose.

For a while we sat in silence. Snow hurled itself against the windscreen. It was only half past three but already dark. Car lights were of little use. Neither full nor dipped beam helped. The long line of cars snaked slowly along the efour. It was soporific to be inside the warmth aware of the winter outside and hearing the sounds of the cars.