Why don’t you rest a little he said and pulled me gently towards his shoulder. Getting home will take its time.

I went by the cottage and looked for you I said. Not because I wanted to see you but because I had promised to and I was scared of what you might do if I didn’t come. But you weren’t there.

You mustn’t be scared of me he said.

It was a poor attempt to confuse the issue.

I didn’t say I was scared of you. I said it frightened me to think what you might do to yourself if I didn’t turn up. There’s a difference. Besides, where were you. 276

Seeing a medic. Göranbäckström drove me to a&e. He is a good man. I understand why you trust him he said. Well now that is news I thought.

Do you remember what happened I asked.

I thought petra was maria. I wanted retribution. Or more to the point. I wanted to hit her lovely face until there was nothing beautiful left to see.

Why do you think it struck you just then I asked a while later.

The efour was at a standstill again.

You know yourself how things are he said. No I don’t I said thinking about my clay men.

My memory seems to run a neverending show he said. I woke up at night thinking I was about to die. I got a prescription for some kind of tablet. Doctor’s order. And my anguish subsided but my drive to paint too. By the time petra came along I had drunk a great deal. It was a fantasy that alcohol would start me off painting. Then things went from bad to worse. Come to think of it you haven’t seen all my work yet. The latest ones are quite early memories.

Memories of what I asked even though I was too tired to listen.

Do you really want to hear he asked. Perhaps you’d rather sleep. Not at all I lied.

When I was little and adam had died in the fire brännströms sent me off to a school for deaf and dumb children in örebro. I told you about that already.

You were ten years old I said.

Most of the kids at that school were older than me. Boys and girls were housed apart. Lights out was at exactly nine o’clock. It set off stirring in the snakepit. At first I was a perfect victim. Small for my age and harelipped and ugly. 277

There were many others who were like me. Sent to the deaf and dumb school to have sense beaten into them. I learned to endure until I had grown into my skin and could hit back. Eventually my fists struck them hard enough and the snakes wriggled off to torment others.