I always feel like a fraud when I say those things to my students. They listen to me eagerly, hanging on my every word. But who am I to hand out advice when I’m not writing anything either?

“I’d typed up all these notes and ideas about your manuscript,” I say. “And I was going to see you in class the next day, and we’d be able to talk about it. And I thought to myself . . . I tried to convince myself that I’d really be happy if you had success with the book. That I could bask in your reflected glory because maybe I’d played some small role in getting you there. That’s enough for some people who teach. But the truth is, I hadn’t even helped you that much. I know I was disconnected. I know I wasn’t mentoring you the way you deserved.”

“Nothing ever goes as planned, does it?” Madeline says.

“No. Before I could reach out to you and tell you how much I liked the book, you were gone. Disappeared.”

CHAPTER SIX

Now that it’s out, I feel agitated, restless. My thoughts are a jumble.

“Do you want a drink or something?” I ask. “I think I need bourbon.”

“Sure,” she says. “I always drank when you paid.”

I go back out to the kitchen, Grendel at my heels. It’s cold out, and I’d turned the heat down when I left the house. But I feel flushed, sweaty. Almost like I have a fever. I open the corner cabinet and take down a bottle of Rowan’s Creek and two glasses. When Jake was born, twenty years ago, Emily’s brother gave me a bottle of Rowan’s Creek, so whenever I drink it, I think of my son. My hand shakes as I pour.

Grendel starts eating. I hear his chomping in the corner.

“You were drinking a lot when I last saw you.”

I turn toward Madeline. She’s standing in the doorway from the living room, leaning against the jamb.

“I was,” I say. “I’ve cut back. A lot. I had to.” I hand her the glass, trying to control the trembling. “But I think I could use one or maybe two tonight.”

“I guess it isn’t every day that a ghost shows up in your house.”

I swallow and lean back against the counter. “They looked for you, Madeline. Searches all over campus and town. It was on the news. Some people thought you just up and ran off on a whim. Some students do that. Impulse trips.”

“Some kids can afford to do that.”