looking at him

I feel important

and floaty

like the ocean.

Conspirator

After Zaidu Chacha flies home,

Dadi whispers to me,

not Owais, because

he is

always in his room

lately,

because he is safer

on land

than in water,

Do you want

to go to Baskin-Robbins?

I say Yes!

But today,

my mouth apologizes No because I am struggling

to balance equations

in chemistry.

Carbon

Hydrogen

Oxygen.

I balance my voice

because that is something

I know how to do

and focus

on my work again.

But when the house

gets quiet

too quiet

because I don’t hear

her Quran playing

in the back

or hear her tasbih beads

clicking praying clicking praying clicking praying

I get up to get

a glass of water

then run to the wide-open

front door.

Where is she?

Panic.

I run down the

cul-de-sac.

She is not there.

Up the steep hill—

she is not there.

On the walking path

I spot her curlers

her nightgown

swirling with the wind

right

and left.

I call her name

and she looks up at me.

Confused at first,

she smiles.

My heart whispers

Alhamdulillah.

Praise be to God.

The Walk Home

When we walk home

the next-door neighbor

Ms. Grayson waves hello.

Hi y’all!

She smiles with her coral-painted lips,

but not with her eyes.

And even though Dadi’s mind

is unraveling,

she sees this

and returns the same

lukewarm smile.

When Ms. Grayson

pulls me to the side

and asks,

Does she speak English?

I am so angry

I want to spit.

Do you know that she reads

Yeats,

Shakespeare,

Austen?

Do you know that she has

shelves full

of books?

Do you know that she graduated

top of her class?

Do you know that she taught

English at school?

Instead, I nod,

keep walking,

and never babysit her kids

again.

Weighing Down of Words

It happens again.

This time Dadi doesn’t ask

if I want to go

to Baskin-Robbins.

This time I am reading

words heavy on my mind

and when I look up

and around

she is gone

and the front door

is open

again.

I run down the path.

Relief.

My heart

begins to beat slower

when I see her there.

But oh no oh no oh no

her hands are holding out

rupee notes

and someone is giggling.

Aidan is behind the counter

and his smile

is not a good smile,

but a straight line

mocking her.

How can a smile

make me feel

so bad?

Aidan

When he sees me

he doesn’t acknowledge me

with the crooked smile

the way he does

in science class

instead

his eyebrows rise

and his straight line

goes away

but it is too late

my fists roll up

the rupee notes

and when I guide Dadi

out the door

quick quick quick

leaving her strawberry ice cream

behind

I hear their laughter

erupt.

Decision

Ek minute

I tell Dadi

steadying her

by the door.

I remember when my tongue

betrayed Owais

I remember when my tongue