I went to find stefan to offer him my condolences and thank him for the service. We hugged. He smelled of pacorabanne. We must meet again I said and meant it. I liked katarina’s brother. His honesty made him seem almost transparent. Sticking to the truth confers its own charm.

John was standing a bit away with a glass in his hand. I saw him empty it in one gulp and go off to get another one. He talked to a couple of older men I didn’t know. I asked myself why I had to be drawn to people like john rather than nicer people like stefan. The apostles the prophets jesus and mary answered that I have no choice. So why is that I asked and they told me that my life was already staked out and the people I encountered had particular roles to play. What even father I asked. Even your father they replied. And john. Especially john they said and winked at each other as if they had overheard what I had been fantasising about in church.

Soon afterwards we drove back to his house but the intimacy from the moment on the pew had gone. He had walked to the church so I drove us. We were stiff and out of sorts during the short drive. As if we had had a row.

Is something wrong I asked. No why should there be.

You seem irritated. Is that so he said. Whatever.

When he slid down from the passenger seat I noticed that he staggered a little.

I followed him obediently even though I knew I should have gone home. Somehow I wanted to straighten things out between us. Apologise for what I had said about how he looked. 133

We went inside. I sat down on the kitchen sofa. He drank water from the scoop in the bucket. Went to piss without closing the door. Took his suit off hung it up and wandered around in underpants and vest. The front of his pants had a damp patch after his pee. I started thumping my heels against the sofa until he told me to stop so I went on thumping my heels against the sofa.

For christ’s sake stop it.

Why don’t you stop.

I’m not doing anything he said.

Can’t you hack a few drinks I asked. Of course I fucking well can. Do you think I’m drunk or what.

Yes I said. You staggered earlier and so on. You and the rest of them. There’s a piss stain on your underpants. Your body language.

If that’s what you think he said. Let me show you how it goes when I get plastered for real.

He tugged a kitchen cupboard open and took out an unlabelled bottle. Unscrewed the top and drank until he had swallowed almost half the contents.

John I said in a pleading uneasy little voice. He imitated it. Oh john.