I decided to leave but come back to see her later. Maybe she needed time to take it all in. I tidied the breakfast away and helped her into bed. I want to lie down for a bit now she said. If you would put the blanket on top of me please. She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes. 87

The rest of the morning was troublefree. I was beginning to get on top of the work and thought that I was doing rather well but as usual when one feels good about oneself the churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints sticks up a warning finger.

Märitljungqvist wanted to see me in her office. Was all well with mrshansson when you saw her today she asked.

Well is perhaps not the word I said. She both understood and somehow didn’t. Perhaps she didn’t want to. But I’ll look in to see her this afternoon.

That won’t be necessary she said. I’ve asked angelika to call. No ifs or buts she went on before I had time to say anything. I met nordin in the stationer’s. He was wondering what happened to you and mrshansson. Now do you understand how utterly irresponsible it would have been to let a demented person see someone who has passed away.

Yes I said. I realised. That’s why we never went to nordin’s.

I confessed mea culpa but like a leech in a pond märitljungqvist had her suckers in me and refused to let go.

So you do understand that you intended to commit a breach of service conditions and once more I admitted mea culpa. Then I had to promise to nevernevernever ever under any circumstances make any other rashdecisions without her express permission. By then I was prepared to promise anything just so I wouldn’t have to listen to the way she expressed herself.

You may go now she said.

You’re a secret tippler I thought.

The day passed slowly. The night dragged. Not only in my mind but in my entire body. Katarina’s hand in mine. Fredrik’s coldeyes meeting mine. The finality of never again being able to speak to a human being if you wanted to say something or ask a question. 88

Between two visits that afternoon I drove over to the cemetery. The sun was feeding on the last of the few stubborn snowdrifts. My feet made splatting noises in the slush as I walked down towards the graves.